things that i miss..

konbanciwa..
再！★★***＼（＾Ｏ＾）／*** ★★デビュー！
last 2 month was seriously MAJI hectic ne..
so tensed that i really have no mood to even scribble anything..
but now that the breast and cervical cancer campaign has finally over.. i can finally breath a bit at work..
no more Ot until 8pm I hope after this..
well, not meaning to complain or anything.. but I cant help feeling afraid of going home alone at night at that time..

maa..  a lot have happened last few month.. but the highlight would always be that I was robbed on my way to work..
I am still  traumatised over the whole thing .., that even hearing a motorcycle passing by can send me into panic mode.. (
and like adding salt to the fresh wound, we were short of staff that day, i'm the only nurse in the department, and we got a special procedure which i have to stay at work until late in the evening..
and not forgetting the fact that i couldnt get back home for Raya Haji.., lost the house key ( due to the snatch thief)..and patients on that day was like  Asededjky@$&*--------> too many to cope!!!!!!
Story of my life.. （ _ _ ）..........o 

Maa.. all that passed already ne.. SO.. lets hope for the best in the coming weeks..

_________________________________________________________________

Since its already a new year in the Muslim calendar, i have made a resolution that i will  try to do things that i miss a lot since i started working, the one i always want to do but then too lazy... or too messed up and dont have the right spirit to do it..
I WILL STARTS MAKING CARDS AND PAINTS AGAIN!!!!!

so lets begin!!

 a thank you card for NiNA's microbiologist.. too lazy to tink of anything more fancy..
maybe i'll try to add on some more to it later..

oh well.... the pic is blur..
but it's my official VIP Product label.. ( haha.. cam la ada company betul)
actually its supposed to look like a man in cap ( cough* YB*cough*) posing with a peace sign

this is for Ekin's wedding this Sunday.. We'll be going to Johor for the wedding tomorrow.. Yoshi!!!! Can't wait!! And Yeah, the Vip logo is kinda.. well.. not well cut.. but who cares right?

I think over the years, i have been making a LOT of cards to give to others, but i never record any of them in photo.. so i never knew what are my previous cards look likes.. except the ones that i give to mum and dad lah.. better starts recording em now...

next.. painting maybe..

Why bother?

Last few weeks ago, one patient went for a Ct scan of the thorax and abdomen in our hospital. A very elegant woman in her fifties.

I called her in, with a thin smile, she just walk towards me.

we went quite for a few minutes after I explained to her about the CT scan and prepare her for the test.

this was her 1st time doing the scan, so i understands if she felt anxious about it..

I looked at the diagnosis made by the specialist;- CA BREAST..

now i understand what that sad face is actually saying. My heart felt for her. 

we talked for quite some time. She has just receive the news about her disease that morning-the lab result from her breast biopsy show that the cell was cancerous.. She was still in a shock., and most likely still unable to accept the news..

I wish there is more that i can do for her except just listening to her feeling and holds her hands in that time. Im half wishing that she could just cry if she want to, because it will ease her sadness, but she didn't. ( And i'm half cursing myself for being the one near to tears). She was calm during the whole conversation, telling me about her life, living as a single mother raising 3 children all by herself after her husband died. 

I asked her about her feeling upon hearing the news. 

"i'm scared" .. then she stops and look downs..

"i'm not scared of dying.. i'm scared to think how will my sons live without me.. can they cope? i dont want to be a burden to them.. "

a drop of water fell down her cheek.  

This is women who just receive the news that she have cancer, she should be thinking about herself but all she could think was her children..( which all are already working and over 22 yrs old already)And I was thinking, "Our  parents sure are the greatest person in the world, if only we know and appreciate them before they are gone"  

we hugged  before she left..with the same thin smile, she walks aways 

I ran into the changing room.. Looked at the pic of my parent in the cellphone.Cry.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

on another occasion, a bunch of girls went out for dinner.. 

In the car when everyone else was chatting about around,  someone's cellphone rings. 

it was her father on the line..

the others went quite for a while..

As the girl on the phone speaks to her parents, someone else from the back sit suddenly snap, " Why must she always talks to her parents everyday? I think even when she wants to get married she will talks to her parents about it" 

The other went quite still..

The girl with the phone clench her hand so hard.. forcing herself to calm down from slapping that backseater so hard in the face.. 

" It was my business.. ( suka ati aku la)" was all she could says.

then someone else's cellphone ring.. It was the girl in the back seat's cell.. 

Her boyfriend is on the line.. . And she have been calling him even before they started the journey to the restaurant  and 30 minutes after that and 20 minutes after the 2nd call.. 

I couldnt help but to smirk and kick her hard in the stomach in my imagination.. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So.. it is WRONG to talk to your parents everyday, but it is totally OK to talk to your boyfriend every minutes.. 

Oh, I get It.. Parents are supposed to be remembered only when you have problems with your boyfriend and friends.. 

You dont need to asked how are they doing except the moment your neighbor call saying that your mum/dad was warded.. and then you snap back at your parents, " why havent you told me you are sick"  when you called them last month. 

You dont need your parents, so why bother talking to them about their life, why bother care about them when they are always there for 24 years of your life no matter how bad you talk to them.. you will always be their daughter. But you need to keep in touch with your boyfriend every minutes because you need them to like you,  because otherwise he would think you are not interested in him and search for other girl or maybe he will be fuming mad because you didn't call back when you are really busy. 

Yeah.. why bother thinking and keeping in touch with a couple of old people whom have been raising you, give you shelter, Love, education, listen to you when you are sad, tend to your sickness,  give you whatever that you want when in fact that they don't have much for themselves.Always think of your best interest even during the time they are sick.

BUT

it is VITAL to think and call that Guy whom you just met the 3 weeks ago, who you doesn't even know if they really like you for you or they have other intention, always pushing you to tell him every thing that you did that day when you were really tired from working, who doesn't have the intention to have something serious with you in the near time..   

YEAH.. WHY BOTHER ABOUT PARENTS? Your Boyfriend is obviously very important. 

  

A LOVE LETTER TO MR D..

i remember the 1st time i set my eyes on YOU..
so solid and sophisticated..I'm mesmerized
 i cant help thinking about you.. I THINK IT's LOVE
even when i no longer see you nearby,  the  memory of you still linger in my mind..

yesterday, i saw you again..
my heart was beating so fast... I THINK this stupid love come again
this heartache is driving me crazy!!

my heart was saying..
" can i reach for you"
" can I hold you "
" can I ever have you"
dear Mr D, I really want you..


seeing you in the hand of other...
my heart hurt..
I think It's jealousy..
the way you just fit with that other girl,  the way both of you look when you are together..
i want you..
but having you come with a price to pay...and that was something i cant affort right now
Ohoho..

Mr D.. I wonder when will we be  together
getting to know each other ..
to get my hand on your magnificent body...
going everywhere together.. no matter what other may say,
i know as long as we are together,  I'll be the happiest girl there is..
MR D, I know we were always meant for each other..

I REALLY  REALLY WANT YOU  MR DSLR Camera....
hahahaaha

the not-so-sincere-writer,

VIPCOLOGIST..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today's is an important date to me..
to the most optimistic person whom always inspire me with his writing..
and always brought me smiles even during my hardest time..
who make goofy boys look adorable and make me starts to go nuts over cute-clumsy-guy-who-doesnt-even-know-he -look-cute-being-goofy..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YAMAPI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
may you still be the most handsome and cool 'goofy' ever!!!!!



and for that catchphrase that  I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE THE MOST!!!!! sankyu...

I'M POSSIBLE!!!!!!




ohoho..... I like one part in  this CM.. Very much.. *wicked laugh*
just went back from the beach last 2 weeks.. and only 3 things come to mind at that time:
- beach reminds me of Pi very much.. ( which make me love the sea even more, ReGARDLESS of the sunburn i hVE TO suffer the following days (T.T)
2- L'arc en ciel's- shizuka no umi de.. ( well.. it's not that quiet in pangkor anyway.. but the song is sweet..ANYWAY..) next
3- It would be totally GREAT if i have a DSLR with me.. lots of ideas, but i cannot do it with my current digicam.. cet!
which bring me to... the conclusion:


urmh.....I'm  SOOOOO getting myself the Nikon DSLR!!!!!!

la dolce vita..

konbanchiwa minna..

wonder how are everybody doing.. i've been busy being boring, i think i dont have anything to update. * laugh*

when i check the total number of post i've made ( publish or just kept as draft) this is my 101th post.. wah.. that many aa.

i didn't expect myself to write that many nagging thought.. and to think that i first start blogging here because i need an outlet to release my life frustration..having 101 post here, My LIFE must seem like a tragic tale to you.. * deciding to cry or to laugh*

Hope I didn't get you wrongly think that my whole life is like a mess ( well, sometime it is)

LA DOLCE VITA means the sweet life in Italy. it's not that I can read nor understand italian nor am I a fan of the movie.. dolce vita is what i want to achieve by venting out here. SO that i will feel at ease after throwing em out.

i am a person with difficulties to show how I really feel in real life.. i just don't know how to react properly in most cases involving contact with others.

in front of the guy i like, instead of smiling endlessly and shows affection/or whatever it is that the normal girl would do.. my normal reaction would be like this:

Boy :( make a funny statement)

me : *laugh a bit*-if it really funny or just go *.........*

then change the topic without even trying do a fake laugh.

or

Boy : You are very creative la for doing.......... ( this or that) like this . never knew u are so talented

Me: *without much expression* .. urmh.. thanks..

then walk away like its nothing to be really happy about ( while the truth is i feel like flying with glee when he talks)

or the time when someone make me piss off..

All the time.. I can only smile a bit..or make a face and act as if i dont care eventhough i'm boiling inside.

I JUST COULDNT SHOW MY REAL EMOTION IN FRONT OF OTHERS

so that's why this blog was started..

i am always better at expressing them by writing or drawing than to just let run amuk in front of other. It has always works to calm me down.. except that i never have the chance to tell Dr Poet that I fancy him even before we started the drama preparation .That he was such a wonderful actor and that he was like the generator to the whole English class-without him the class was well..not lively. And I want to thank him because in some part or another, college life was bearable. OH Well.. that was old story.. But I can't help to wonder if our lines will cross again.

I think I have the worst luck with people.

When i loathe someone and wove not to EVER meet him/her again.. the next thing I know, i'm stuck with that person. It's true, there's this ex-roomate from Uni whom like to boast about herself or her man,take my thing without even asking, a fulltime attention seeker with loud voice and endlessly talks..talks and talks *shake head*. I thought after we were allowed to find our own place to life during 2nd year in , I would never have to face her again except during class, and it turns out she's living 2 floor above us.. then when have to stay in hostel again, she's next door and after graduated from uni.. she live just a block away from my house. AND i have to face her when me and my close friend went outing together because she live with that friend .Is this a curse or what? knowing this, I tried to shake the feeling i have for her all this while, but heck, if she's acting JUST THE WAY SHE WAS IN COLLEGE.. i doubt that any change is even possible. Maybe i'm blinded by hate..heh

In RL, i really don't speak much, unless it is necessary..

you wouldn't hear me going all girly-girly or gossiping like i did here..( unless you are Aliaa) I hate conversation just for the sake of not being quiet .. how to say this.. urmh.. the kind u did just to break the silence but you don actually want to listen to what the other reply to you..you just hate the quietness. But I like It, silence is golden, It prevent me saying the wrong thing to others and save others from my cynical remarks ( I'm damn good at that actually, just dont let me get it loose.. I can be REAL MEAN.. and i mean IT)

i dont know where this statement lead to.* laugh*

just.. sorry that all of you have to bear with my continuous rambling about life, this is my only way out since i left all my painting kit at home.. Or, i'll turn really crazy

i promise, i will try to update more on the merry side ( which i always so lazy to write about ) to balance with the ugly side( which i always have the energy to write about)

for bearing with me..

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

oh.. and by the way, i got inspiration on title of the blog from jiyoung's tatoo...*wink and laugh* you would have thought of that already.

working live is totally overrated!!

Remember when you are still a student in some university, all you want at that time is to finish your studies and get into the community as fast as you could..

remember at that time you imagining yourself being a totally different you, more mature, poise, confident and more knowledgeable perhaps..

Yes!! I'm going to be a working women once I graduated from here.. Life would be so much different then" you told yourself..

after working for 6 month..

you liked your job.. and still striving to follow the vibe..

but..

but..

it seem that the way to go or survive at the place is only by flattering your boss, play by her rule.

you have no say on whatever issue that she come up with..

+ workplace politics began to take place more than the working issue..

+ Have to bear with the boss's pet, take over her job( which she messed and never admitting her mistake)..

+ take responsibility of other colleagues mistakes- just because you are higher qualified( while the fact is that you are just starting in the area, so how could I Know everything)

+ try not to be dis-hearted by comment made by others( the colleagues) who don't seem to be able to appreciate what you done ( IGNORANT people are such a pain in the ass!!)

+ You wake up everyday, feeling that job is just a routine from monday to Saturday.. do the same thing everyday.. tired by the end of the day

and then at the end of the day, lay half asleep.. asking yourself.. " what have i actually achieve today?' and just sleep without receiving the answer..

Yeah.. Life is different now.. - for all the wrong reason.

I DONT WANNA LOOSE MY PASSION TOWARDS NURSING.. !!

but given these circumstances.. I'm seeing myself running far away from what i hope to achieve.

I wanna love it here again !!

have I let go of my opportunity to work near home for something that i ends up hating.. ( not quite there yet.. but I fear that it will be one day)

have i lose all that i strive hard for for a job that the only motivation for me to keep on doing it is purely financial based..

i wanna keep on loving you dear colleagues, i wanna keep on enjoying helping you dear doctors, and most importantly,

I wanna be the one who will ease your fear before and during procedure,

A friend when you 1st heard a bad news after a CT/MRI checkup,

A person you can trust all your worries,

i wanna be the best for you .. dear PATIENTs..

Dear me..

PLEASE ALWAYS HAVE THE PASSION AND HEART TO DO GOOD.. no matter how hard the blow come from the surrounding.

You see, in the final analysis,
it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
( mother theresa)

sebuah entry baru akhirnya...!!

konbanchiwa..

ahem.....

* dgn suara ala2 penyimpan mohor raja2)saya dengan ini mengistiharkan, I'm BACK!!!!!!!

finally after some time living without MR LaPPy, I've gotten myself a replacement for 'him'

Ureshii naa!!!!

and since today is a public holiday..

I have more reason to be happy!!!!

WORK...

back in the days when everything is all about study, assignment, exam and skipping class whenever possible ( laugh), I keep wishing that time flew faster than it already does..but i don't think that i wanted to be in the working group that much. I just want to escape University sooo badly, i think most of the post here reflect my misery more than the merry part.

But for most part, I'm blessed to have meet each circumstances although there are still unsettled feeling left behind.

You maybe can forgive, but to forget take a lot of time and strength ne.

Some may say that i hold a grudge to the one who hurt me, but it's not about keeping a bad feeling towards someone, but forgetting each insulting remarks and words throw at you is another thing.

Those who doesn't experience let alone understand what other's been through, I don't think they have any right to say anything. fullstop.

sorry, didn't mean to touch this issue on todays comeback post, just wanna clear something over a statement made by someone. I'm not a vengeful person, but a crack in the heart caused by certain people words or action isn't something that can be mend easily, especially when that person keep doing it repeatedly. WAKARU?

ok.. totally forgotten what i originally want to post..

and my mind is too occupied with the latest discovery of an axillary lymph node swelling in my right. God please let it be a normal swelling, not the one i thought it was.

the answer i'm looking for all my life is this...

just read this from Iluvislam... and these is the complete answer to my worries for earlier post.....

i kinda know all these... i guess i forgot that when i was the one who were dealing with crisis...

Disclaimer: the above content are not mine... they are from that site...

just wanna share it here so that i will never forget them..

Kita selalu bertanya dan al-Quran telah menjawabnya.

Kita bertanya: Kenapa aku diuji?

Quran menjawab, "Apakah manusia itu mengira bahawa mereka dibiarkan saja mengatakan."Kami telah beriman, sedangkan mereka tidak diuji? Dan sesungguhnya Kami telah menguji orang-orang sebelum mereka, maka sesungguhnya Allah mengetahui orang-orang yang benar, dan sesungguhnya Dia mengetahui orang-orang yang berdusta." (Surah al-Ankabut: 2-3)


Kita bertanya: Kenapa aku tidak dapat apa yang aku idam-idamkan?

Quran menjawab, "Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi pula kamu menyukai sesuatu padahal ia amat buruk bagimu. Allah mengetahui sedang kamu tidak mengetahui." (Surah al-Baqarah: 216)


Kita bertanya: Kenapa ujian seberat ini?

Quran menjawab, "Allah tidak membebani seseorang itu melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya." (Surah al-Baqarah: 286)


Kita bertanya: Kenapa kita rasa kecewa?

Quran menjawab, "Janganlah kamu bersikap lemah, dan janganlah pula kamu bersedih hati, padahal kamulah orang-orang yang tinggi darjatnya, jika kamu orang-orang yang beriman."(Surah Ali Imran: 139)


Kita bertanya: Bagaimana harus aku menghadapinya?

Quran menjawab, "Dan mintalah pertolongan (kepada Allah) dengan jalan sabar dan mengerjakan sembahyang, dan sesungguhnya sembahyang itu amat berat kecuali bagi orang-orang yang khusyuk." (Surah al-Baqarah: 45)


Kita bertanya: Kepada siapakah harus aku berharap?

Quran menjawab, "Cukuplah Allah bagiku, tidak ada Tuhan selain daripadaNya. Hanya kepadaNya aku bertawakal." (Surah at-Taubah: 129)


Kita bertanya: Apa yang aku dapat daripada semua ujian ini?

Quran menjawab, "Sesungguhnya Allah telah membeli daripada orang-orang mukmin, diri dan harta mereka dengan memberikan syurga untuk mereka." (Surah at-Taubah: 111)


Kita berkata: Aku sedih!

Quran menjawab, "Dan demikianlah keadaan hari-hari (kejayaan dan kesedihan) Kami pergilirkan di antara manusia (supaya menjadi pengajaran)." (Surah Ali Imran: 140)


Kita berkata: Aku tak tahan!

Quran menjawab, "...dan janganlah kamu berputus asa dengan rahmat Allah. Sesungguhnya tiada berputus asa daripada rahmat Allah melainkan kaum yang kafir."(Surah Yusuf: 87)


Kita berkata: Sampai bilakah aku akan merana begini?

Quran menjawab, "Kerana sesungguhnya sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan. Sesungguhnya sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan." (Surah al-Insyirah: 5-6)

Orang yang paling kuat sebenarnya adalah orang yang sabar. Tanpa kesabaran yang ditunjangi akal waras dan iman kental, kita pasti tidak dapat bangkit apabila menerima pukulan takdir. Walhal sesuatu bala itu juga nikmat buat kita, hambaNya. Tegal di sebalik musibah yang menimpa, jarang sekali kita mengintai hikmahnya.

Ayat Seribu Dinar

"Barang siapa yang bertakwa kepada Allah, nescaya Dia akan mengadakan baginya jalan keluar. Dan memberinya rezeki dari arah yang tidak disangka-sangkanya. Dan barang siapa yang bertawakal kepada Allah, nescaya Allah akan mencukupkan keperluannya. Sesungguhnya Allah melaksanakan urusan yang dikehendakiNya. Sesungguhnya Allah telah mengadakan ketentuan bagi tiap-tiap sesuatu." (Surah at-Talaq: 2-3)

Sumber: Dipetik daripada Curahan Cinta Niagara karya Maya Iris

hijau mata hitamku....

i'll be facing my licensing exam in a week time....

urgh..............

and i don't really feel i am ready to face this...

just got the result of the final xm last week... well, i have to say that.. Iza, u suck la... camna la bleh jatuh pointer nih?... hurm...

but no regret!! i know i have give my best ... errr ( except the paper part kot... sapa suroh malas lagi..)

overall.. my CGPA bleh tahan la.. but it is below what i have expect... sedey2..

some other have raise in their CGPA.... and some even got beyond what other achieve..

then.... datangla si setan nak menghasut bagi jeles kat org len...

i hate myself when i began to compare myself to other... because I know i could never win this battle if i keep looking at myself in other people's reflection...

i know... things happen 4 a reason... but sometimes cant help but to ask things like.. ,"why didn't I got what she/he got when i have strive even harder than em?"

or

" this is not fair!!!!!! Why did she get everything that i dream of achieving while i don't? "

or

" why wasn't i gifted with genius/photographic mind like her? why do i have to "suffer" to get to the level she so easily obtain"

that kind of negative feeling ..

i hate comparison.. really hate it!!!

even when i was on the better site, i cant shake off feeling not so good when i know people were comparing me with so and so..

but at the same time, cant run from it.. kan?

from...

comparing class achievement during xm and test

to ..

comparing who got the highest and lowest(dapat teruk.. nak compare sapa lagi teruk..

dapat elok pun nak banding sapa plg elok... )

to..

who got job first

to ..

who got the best working place

to..

who got the largest salary..

ect2

x habis2 kan...

camtu.. bilala baru nak menang... asyik terasa inadequate compared to someone else.. and that lead to feeling demotivated.. sungguh demotivated..

this is pathetic!!!

padahalnya... kalo suma org dapat benda yang sama ja.. then.. everybody's fate is standardized ke? I have different goal than that person i envy.. but learning that she is getting to her goal even faster than me make me feel so left out..

feel like i haven't been moving from the same place while she is sooo going places with her shinning wings...

i feel like a loser....

This SUCK!!!!

chingu

Dear BLOGGIE…

I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

More than I’m miss watching YB..( seriously!)I never know that I’ll miss you this much.. haha

So much have happen the last 3 weeks, so much to tell.. but I barely have time or mood to update anything .

My mum was hospitalized for her hypertension, Diabetes mellitus and Bell palsy. So I was home for the whole 2 week .. so..like usual la..I’m in Hiatus. She recovered quite well, although her facial paralysis wasn’t completely cured ( I think after a few therapies. She’ll be back to her usual self).For those who have been worrying about her and cheering me up.. Million thanks u guys !! m(_ _)m

( see... she is as healthy as ever )

There was this saying that you’ll know you true friend when you are in trouble/stress. I guess, I was blessed to have my friends support during my time of distress ne. Dealing with a sick relative was quite a challenge for some, including me. Being in a different picture, now as a patient’s family kinda teaches me a lot. Regardless of who she is, I think one really needs a support of someone in that kind of situation. You can’t help feeling hopeless when you know there isn’t anything much that you can do to make things better. You are anxious, distress and weary.. but there was no one there to calm you down except for yourself.

That was the time when a friend is most needed. It doesn’t need expensive gift or anything fancy ne. A simple word such as “ How are you feeling” or “ take care” already means a lot, and a simple act like to visit them in the ward can lighten up the patient and their family more than you think they would. My mum smile a lot and seem really happy that all of her colleagues and some students from school visit her at home after she was discharged. One of the teacher even volunteer to help her with the facial therapy everyday for 2 weeks. She came to our house every night to massage mum, buy her some complimentary medication, talk to her about her worries, and help her to go through her situation more than I can. And she did all of that for FREE! With all of them coming to visit her and all the care and love they show, that make me think.. “ human are so nice, ne” I couldn’t thank her enough! and I wish I can be that good/ helpful to my friends and make a positive different in their life like this teacher does. I mean, that was what friends are for right? They help each other, and they sincerely care for each other.

I believe everyone needs a friend, ne. But not everyone knows how to appreciate a good friend and be a good friend to other. If you want other to be good to you, you must first be good friend to other.. But some people just don’t get that. They want to have a good friend, but they themselves fail to be one for their friends. I used to hear someone claim that they are good friend to someone, but at the same time, they were bad mouthing each other behind each other’s back! It always make me think, “ how did they define friend as?” Is friend just someone you like to hang around with, or someone you can use to get what you want, someone whom you like because she has the look and styles that fits you, someone who you love to gossip with, someone whom will make you proud because of her fame, wealth or background? You hang out with her but you don’t really care about her .When she loses all that, do you simply just push her away? A friend is to be appreciated not to be used and throw away when you are done with them. How can you call yourself a friend, when you go behind her back saying bad thing about her, left her when she need you, and let her to continue doing mistake she is doing before as if it doesn’t matter.

A friend of mine, Q gets into some problem with another friend ,X because her “so-called best friend “ tell her that Q was not happy that she was doing something unprofessional during training. X was furious because of that( which I think wasn’t something she should be mad of..because it was truly her mistake. You can’t expect other to be happy for you when u did the wrong thing you know) When someone was mad at you for your wrong doing, it shows that they care. They do not want you to continue doing the same mistake. The people whom you regards as friend but just let you to repeat you mistakes and just put a blind eyes when you did something wrong was nowhere a friend. They are willing to see you fall instead of helping you up. If she is really a good friend as she claim she is, she wouldn’t tell X what Q said or what other were saying bad about X( because she wants to protect X from being sad ) she herself will advise X to change for good. But people always take it the other way around, they think that the one whom were changing them for good, constantly correcting and be angry when they make mistake were their enemy and the one who just let them do whatever they want are their friends.

In my opinion, being clear about things and being harsh at times when it's needed are counted as kindness. For example, if your friend does something wrong, I think defending her in a laid-back manner and letting things slide without paying too much attention is wrong. If you aren't honest with your thoughts then, even if it's acceptable in that situation, it will eventually hurt the other person. You don't necessarily have to pinpoint everything, but being bold enough to say things that are a little critical is true kindness. ( Yamapi)-credits: Seventeen_0409

Real friend will not let their friend to do the wrong thing because they would be worry if you get hurt, because she will also be hurt. Even if you think that she is nagging at you, or making you feel irritated. She did it for your own good. If someone was talking bad about you, they will fell as if they were the one being talked about. Not the one who were talking bad about you! When you cry, they will cry with you, when you were praised, they smiles with proud for you ( and not conspiring to bring you down and pull all attention to herself)they protect you. They accept you the way you are and only change you when you were wrong, they build you to be a better you and be with you through thick and thin. If the one you called friend are letting you keep on drowning in your mistakes, consider back why are being friend with her-because for me, it is not worth it-she doesn’t really give a damn about you.

For my dear mabudachi, thank you for being there when I need you guys. I know there’s a lot I have to improve, please continue to help me along the way. For always being my “ taeyang” , “shine a light “ along my way..Thank You. And along our way, If I fail to be a good friend to all of you.. “I’m so sorry.. bUt I love you.. “and that is not a Lie( gojitmal)

loveless..

my frend wrote something like this on her status in FB

"Ward-a place of thousands life and their own little stories, only special people that He chosed to win the emotional battle! n i loose~"

i would be lying if i said that i never felt sad or angry or having other negative feeling when working in the ward. No matter how strong I tried to act in front of my patients, there are times when i felt like not wanting to be there- i wanna run away from facing the emotional battle in the ward.

Someone once told me not to get too emotionally attached with the patients that we take care of. But how could you not having the feeling of care and concern about these patient when you are working with them like... everyday until he/she was discharged or.. gone. For me, that is absolutely impossible, Zettai muri!!!. and because of that, from a professional part, i think i fail miserably,because i always sees my patients and their relatives as a family of mine. Sometimes i have to remind myself not to be like that, but I cant help it. I love the people I'm working for (the patients that is.. doctors were never our superior!!)

emotional breakdown.. I never though that i'll experience this so soon, ne. i thought that if i give my all to the job that i am doing, i'll do just fine.. SUPER FINE.. It did sometimes, but when things take a turn for worst at the patients.. I think it kill me as much as it kill the patient's real relatives.

There was this patient who have been admitted to the ward several time for her cancer treatment and pleural abscess. A petite chinese grandma whom were always smilling and i think she is soo cute. I like this patient soooooo much, like my own grandma, her relatives are also very friendly and nice.. they feel almost like a real family of mine in the ward. I have my motivation to work-remembering that i'll meet her again in the ward- Warm.. it's that kind of feeling. You see, there are types of people that makes you feel like wanting to be close to them once you know them and some other makes u feel like keeping a distance. in her case it's the first.

Well, she died last week- on my last day in the surgical ward- and also the last day of the chinese new year. It was a heartbreaking moment for me, the second LO after another Cancer patient 2 weeks before. She was on the DNR ( Do not resuscitate) list, so all that we do is let her die in piece. i was on the verge to cry, but if you yourself are crying- how can you calm the other relatives?. So, everything was kept lock inside...and it hurt- soo deeply its crushing my heart until now. Her smile, her small voice, the look on her confused face when she does understand the words i'm saying( she doesn't know Malay or english much).. I miss her so much.

my heart was telling me not to pay too much attention to my patients again next time.. LOVELESS... is this the only way out for me not to be in this kind of pain again and again?

problem...

Trough out our lives, we can never run away from problems ne. in every stage of live that we went through, there gonna be something that makes us troubled. At that time, our problem seem so big- we can’t even think of anything else except it , but as we grow up, and look back at the problem.. it suddenly become small and trivial..because we already know how to overcome them.

I remember , when I was 9 years old, getting to school late was a major problem to me.( laugh) There was one time that I came in 20 minutes late to school , and I was so worry that I would be scolded- I decided to skip school that day. But then, I couldn’t get back home or I’ll get a double scolding from my parents and grandparents, so I went hiding in a building near to the school. That building was left unused for quite some times and at the back of it was thick bushes and some said that they saw snakes there sometimes. I was so scared of being scolded that being in that kind of place seem a lot safer than surrendering and went to school. I stayed there for 3 to 4 hours before I heard someone coming near to that place. Panicked and scared, I went even further to the bushes!Someone calling my name from afar, I knew that I have been discovered as I forgot to hide my bike. Then, tired of hiding and scared of the surrounding , I guess I let myself be discovered. Back at home, my grandparents hug me so tightly as if I had been missing for years! I was expected scolding from them but that thing were left unsaid until now. Later only I discovered, my class teacher ask my parents regarding me not coming to school , but they know that I went to school( halfway anyway) so they suspect something bad had happened. They kinda held a “Searching” operation to find me in the village.. thinking of that back, why did I make that kind of decision back then. How come I see that as one very big problem, I should just go to school, then I wouldn’t miss the lesson for that day and my grandparent don’t have to be so worried over me.

During form 2 and 3, my major trouble was the ERT class teacher- during her sewing class especially. I am really weak and untalented in sewing that every time I tried to use the machine, something bad would happen to it (cries). It will always break down when I use it-am I cursed or what? My teacher at that time is one fierce teacher with a sharp eyes for students who are not doing their work nicely..which would be..ahem-ME. I would be called many times-until the point that I hate to hear my own name. (laugh) The class was on Thursday, thus during that day, I would pretend to be sick and not going to school on that day. My dad didn’t always fall for that trick so I would have to face that teacher even if I cry in front of him. Now, I still cant say that I can sew, because I still suck at using the machine- but I can proudly say that I can cook better than most of my friends due to that teacher’s guidance. And if asked who was the teacher that I look up to in school, her name is always there- Pn Rohana Luxaman. For your stern teaching and care- thank you very much mem.

( sometimes when i feel so sad and feel that i just had enough of the day..looking at the beautiful sky calms me down ..It make me think,Ahhh my problems are so small ne yet i fuss over it)

Trouble isn’t always something bad ne. Maybe at that time, it seem so big, you would feel hopeless and anxiety. But as time passed, you will see the beauty the trouble brought you. We learn many thing from conflict, trouble and failure than we do when we are calm, winning or having success. What you need is patience and believe that things will be better with God’s willing. When I have problems, I always called my parents and friends for a chat- I wouldn’t tell them I was troubled, but just speaking to the people who are close to me make the burden lighter. Telling them my problem and let them worry make me feel even worst, but laughing with them ease my heart. If that doesn’t do the trick, I would stuff myself , read the Quran, or listen to music while I sleeps. I don’t want to think too much about my problem ne. Only thinking about them and regrets over things that have happened wouldn’t do anything to improve your condition right.

Remember I used to have great problem when I have a quarrel with my roommate. I was so stressed by it I cried every night thinking of how hurt I was during that time. We stops contacting each other or even speak to each other- we grew so distance that I almost forget that we used to be so close before. Then, a year passed, one day she called me and oddly the joyfull feeling comes back and as if nothing ever happen, we chat happy for nearly an hour.( laugh)later I realize, during those quiet time, I learn to be a friend who think about other’s feeling more, be fair in the way I treat others and open up my circle of friendship more towards those that I seldom talk to. In the end, I made more friends than I used to, and discover a new me in the way. And I’m glad that it doesn’t have to end between me and her because eventhough I said that I was mad at her, deep down.. I still care about her a lot.

( the best cure of a broken heart- he laughter and concern of a friends)

My dear friend fail her paper and I know that she was feeling despair and sad over that thing. Saying that people would think she is a stupid person over that failure. .i wish I could hug her and calm her down .i know that feeling. When you see how other are achieving better than you while they didn’t even try as hard as you would seem unfair isn’t it? But life has it’s own way of showing us it’s beauty ne. I believe thing happen for a reason and I hope she will be able to find a good reason behind what happened to her, I pray that this incident would make her an even wsiser and stronger person!

My other friend was also troubled over something bad that was spread behind by someone. Having that kind of problem when we only have another 3 month to graduate would be so stressing ne. for the people who likes to spread rumors.. you are so LOW!! People have to work hard to build the thing that they achieve today, and if you cant reach to the same level, look at your self, did you strive as hard, do you think you can handle the pressure if you are in her place, can you do it differently if you are in her place?so why must you ruin it for her just because of jealousy or hate/ grudge . if you have grudge, until when do you want to take till you are satisfy? dendam tak bawa ke mana la.

( my fav spot of all time to let go off my trouble- the beach.. being there itself was so uplifting, and serene)

Life is too short to be worrying about trivial problem and trouble..ne. I hope I’ll be able to fill my life with happiness and shines for the people whom I nurse. For my dear friends..thank you so much for being there for me. Lets us all continue to experience life happily.