Why bother?

Last few weeks ago, one patient went for a Ct scan of the thorax and abdomen in our hospital. A very elegant woman in her fifties.

I called her in, with a thin smile, she just walk towards me.

we went quite for a few minutes after I explained to her about the CT scan and prepare her for the test.

this was her 1st time doing the scan, so i understands if she felt anxious about it..

I looked at the diagnosis made by the specialist;- CA BREAST..

now i understand what that sad face is actually saying. My heart felt for her. 

we talked for quite some time. She has just receive the news about her disease that morning-the lab result from her breast biopsy show that the cell was cancerous.. She was still in a shock., and most likely still unable to accept the news..

I wish there is more that i can do for her except just listening to her feeling and holds her hands in that time. Im half wishing that she could just cry if she want to, because it will ease her sadness, but she didn't. ( And i'm half cursing myself for being the one near to tears). She was calm during the whole conversation, telling me about her life, living as a single mother raising 3 children all by herself after her husband died. 

I asked her about her feeling upon hearing the news. 

"i'm scared" .. then she stops and look downs..

"i'm not scared of dying.. i'm scared to think how will my sons live without me.. can they cope? i dont want to be a burden to them.. "

a drop of water fell down her cheek.  

This is women who just receive the news that she have cancer, she should be thinking about herself but all she could think was her children..( which all are already working and over 22 yrs old already)And I was thinking, "Our  parents sure are the greatest person in the world, if only we know and appreciate them before they are gone"  

we hugged  before she left..with the same thin smile, she walks aways 

I ran into the changing room.. Looked at the pic of my parent in the cellphone.Cry.

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on another occasion, a bunch of girls went out for dinner.. 

In the car when everyone else was chatting about around,  someone's cellphone rings. 

it was her father on the line..

the others went quite for a while..

As the girl on the phone speaks to her parents, someone else from the back sit suddenly snap, " Why must she always talks to her parents everyday? I think even when she wants to get married she will talks to her parents about it" 

The other went quite still..

The girl with the phone clench her hand so hard.. forcing herself to calm down from slapping that backseater so hard in the face.. 

" It was my business.. ( suka ati aku la)" was all she could says.

then someone else's cellphone ring.. It was the girl in the back seat's cell.. 

Her boyfriend is on the line.. . And she have been calling him even before they started the journey to the restaurant  and 30 minutes after that and 20 minutes after the 2nd call.. 

I couldnt help but to smirk and kick her hard in the stomach in my imagination.. 

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So.. it is WRONG to talk to your parents everyday, but it is totally OK to talk to your boyfriend every minutes.. 

Oh, I get It.. Parents are supposed to be remembered only when you have problems with your boyfriend and friends.. 

You dont need to asked how are they doing except the moment your neighbor call saying that your mum/dad was warded.. and then you snap back at your parents, " why havent you told me you are sick"  when you called them last month. 

You dont need your parents, so why bother talking to them about their life, why bother care about them when they are always there for 24 years of your life no matter how bad you talk to them.. you will always be their daughter. But you need to keep in touch with your boyfriend every minutes because you need them to like you,  because otherwise he would think you are not interested in him and search for other girl or maybe he will be fuming mad because you didn't call back when you are really busy. 

Yeah.. why bother thinking and keeping in touch with a couple of old people whom have been raising you, give you shelter, Love, education, listen to you when you are sad, tend to your sickness,  give you whatever that you want when in fact that they don't have much for themselves.Always think of your best interest even during the time they are sick.

BUT

it is VITAL to think and call that Guy whom you just met the 3 weeks ago, who you doesn't even know if they really like you for you or they have other intention, always pushing you to tell him every thing that you did that day when you were really tired from working, who doesn't have the intention to have something serious with you in the near time..   

YEAH.. WHY BOTHER ABOUT PARENTS? Your Boyfriend is obviously very important. 

  

working live is totally overrated!!

Remember when you are still a student in some university, all you want at that time is to finish your studies and get into the community as fast as you could..

remember at that time you imagining yourself being a totally different you, more mature, poise, confident and more knowledgeable perhaps..

Yes!! I'm going to be a working women once I graduated from here.. Life would be so much different then" you told yourself..

after working for 6 month..

you liked your job.. and still striving to follow the vibe..

but..

but..

it seem that the way to go or survive at the place is only by flattering your boss, play by her rule.

you have no say on whatever issue that she come up with..

+ workplace politics began to take place more than the working issue..

+ Have to bear with the boss's pet, take over her job( which she messed and never admitting her mistake)..

+ take responsibility of other colleagues mistakes- just because you are higher qualified( while the fact is that you are just starting in the area, so how could I Know everything)

+ try not to be dis-hearted by comment made by others( the colleagues) who don't seem to be able to appreciate what you done ( IGNORANT people are such a pain in the ass!!)

+ You wake up everyday, feeling that job is just a routine from monday to Saturday.. do the same thing everyday.. tired by the end of the day

and then at the end of the day, lay half asleep.. asking yourself.. " what have i actually achieve today?' and just sleep without receiving the answer..

Yeah.. Life is different now.. - for all the wrong reason.

I DONT WANNA LOOSE MY PASSION TOWARDS NURSING.. !!

but given these circumstances.. I'm seeing myself running far away from what i hope to achieve.

I wanna love it here again !!

have I let go of my opportunity to work near home for something that i ends up hating.. ( not quite there yet.. but I fear that it will be one day)

have i lose all that i strive hard for for a job that the only motivation for me to keep on doing it is purely financial based..

i wanna keep on loving you dear colleagues, i wanna keep on enjoying helping you dear doctors, and most importantly,

I wanna be the one who will ease your fear before and during procedure,

A friend when you 1st heard a bad news after a CT/MRI checkup,

A person you can trust all your worries,

i wanna be the best for you .. dear PATIENTs..

Dear me..

PLEASE ALWAYS HAVE THE PASSION AND HEART TO DO GOOD.. no matter how hard the blow come from the surrounding.

You see, in the final analysis,
it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
( mother theresa)

it's not IMPOSSIBLE its I'M POSSIBLE

it is no secret that i am always fascinated with Japan..

well.. maybe recently , with all the halyu waves crushing in, I may seem a little distracted..but here i am back at the first square..

I'd love to go to that country, if given a chance..hehe

just finish reading an article about Foreign Nurses in Japan..

hurm, most people know that they don't really like foreigners working in their land- (so I heard..)

but I found the concept of it is quite the same with Malaysian.. ahem.. I mean, if we all like foreigners working in our country, I think there would not be so much talk or comments that smell anti-illegal worker,or anti-worker from this and that country.. ( ahem *cough*..I might be one of em) Ey..what the point of this part really actually?

to the main point..

I think it was last year that the Philippine made a deal with the Japanese government to have their nurses send to the land where my Dr Aizawa reside.. (I'm a helpless fangirl..huhu )

Anywayyyyy....

they have done it, even though only one of em pass the exam..

Malaysian nurses.. When is our time?.. * puppy eyes*

( dear Dr Aizawa.. I'm looking forward to working with you..!!!)

it may seem to be impossible for me to get it at this point ( since Malaysia did not made such agreement with Japan).. But I believe that I'M POSSIBLE . If I tried my best, I believe I will find my ways to achieve that.. Insyaallah.. ( cepat aminkan beramai2)

read more at:

http://globalnation.inquirer.net/features/people/view/20100808-285575/The-only-Filipino-nurse-to-pass-Japans-nursing-exam

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

i'm thinking....

why is it easier to find nursing subjects Note made by Pinoy lecturers/nurses rather than Malaysians one?

and

Why cant I find any websites that made by Malaysian nurses for their juniors like the one I always refers to during exams ( again from filipino source) .. Sometimes I think, it's true that there are some nurses who eats their young..They only will critic the young one when they are doing something wrong, but seldom offers a helping hand.

i'm not accusing all of em, but from what I've seen during training, mmg banyak la yang pentingkan diri sendiri ja.. X salah ngajar junior kan.. Kami buat salah, kan ke effectnya kena kat semua.. "

i'm only saying this because it seem that the Philippines nurses they help each other to achieve more with their career, unlike here..( apa2 saja yang x bw benefit kat diri sendiri dorang akan bangkang.. camna nursing nak naik camtu) well, lets not go more into that.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

( wait...Who's cool nurse? that one, next to Dr Aizawa?* lovinthatname*... Oh.. It's me..)

LOL..

just realize, I actually able to mix my worklife with Oh-I-Think-I-Fall-For-Pi life.. haha..

ok..Just another case of a sleep deprived person..

chiau..

uh Oh...

Goodnite Aizawa Sensei!!!!!

do it anyway...

“People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.

Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.

Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.

Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.

Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.” – from Mother Teresa’s wall

loveless..

my frend wrote something like this on her status in FB

"Ward-a place of thousands life and their own little stories, only special people that He chosed to win the emotional battle! n i loose~"

i would be lying if i said that i never felt sad or angry or having other negative feeling when working in the ward. No matter how strong I tried to act in front of my patients, there are times when i felt like not wanting to be there- i wanna run away from facing the emotional battle in the ward.

Someone once told me not to get too emotionally attached with the patients that we take care of. But how could you not having the feeling of care and concern about these patient when you are working with them like... everyday until he/she was discharged or.. gone. For me, that is absolutely impossible, Zettai muri!!!. and because of that, from a professional part, i think i fail miserably,because i always sees my patients and their relatives as a family of mine. Sometimes i have to remind myself not to be like that, but I cant help it. I love the people I'm working for (the patients that is.. doctors were never our superior!!)

emotional breakdown.. I never though that i'll experience this so soon, ne. i thought that if i give my all to the job that i am doing, i'll do just fine.. SUPER FINE.. It did sometimes, but when things take a turn for worst at the patients.. I think it kill me as much as it kill the patient's real relatives.

There was this patient who have been admitted to the ward several time for her cancer treatment and pleural abscess. A petite chinese grandma whom were always smilling and i think she is soo cute. I like this patient soooooo much, like my own grandma, her relatives are also very friendly and nice.. they feel almost like a real family of mine in the ward. I have my motivation to work-remembering that i'll meet her again in the ward- Warm.. it's that kind of feeling. You see, there are types of people that makes you feel like wanting to be close to them once you know them and some other makes u feel like keeping a distance. in her case it's the first.

Well, she died last week- on my last day in the surgical ward- and also the last day of the chinese new year. It was a heartbreaking moment for me, the second LO after another Cancer patient 2 weeks before. She was on the DNR ( Do not resuscitate) list, so all that we do is let her die in piece. i was on the verge to cry, but if you yourself are crying- how can you calm the other relatives?. So, everything was kept lock inside...and it hurt- soo deeply its crushing my heart until now. Her smile, her small voice, the look on her confused face when she does understand the words i'm saying( she doesn't know Malay or english much).. I miss her so much.

my heart was telling me not to pay too much attention to my patients again next time.. LOVELESS... is this the only way out for me not to be in this kind of pain again and again?

a walk to remember..

aku tau dalam LJ aku slalu je ngutuk course aku..
tapi, bukannya is bermaksud aku benci sgt pun berada di tempat ni...
tapi yang busuk ttp busuk.. aku x kan kata ia wangi..
tapi yang busuk dan buruk tu ada jugak yang baiknya.. jadi aku bertahan sbb yang baiknya la..
dan yang baik tu adalah mengenali kwn2 sekuliah aku yang gila2bahasa belaka, jumpa lecturer yang byk bagi semangat ( walau lagi ramai pun yang sbaliknya).. Dan menjadi sorang Nurse( in the making la)
thanks for making these 4 years a wonderful one.. ( walaupun ada sekeping dua manusia tu dah mencalarkan hati aku- jd cirrhosis da- dalam tempoh tu)

aku bt menda ni utk nursing seminar kitaorang dulu.. konon mcm intro sal cos ni..
tapi makin lama tgok.. ni la satu kisah pasal perjalanan kami sepanjang 4 thn ni..( wlaupun mungkin hanya kami yang tau apa tersirat di sbalik suma gmbar ni)
selepas tak cukup tido dalam 4 hari utk cari gmbar ngan sambung2 video.. ni la hasilnya..

just something for us to remember by.. This is our story..
the second chapter of our lives...

credits to :

da multimedia teamate- Nina
and everyone whom pic are used in the making of this short video
and also
Bond n Jin for the background songs V ( ^.^)V

of Love and TEARS

its been quite a while since i've post anything..
well.. life is really bust these day- but i really love it .
maa.....it seem like i really have found what i love doing, hope this feeling will never fades away just because of some other health care personnel who like to find others fault to cover their own weakness* ahem*like the someone here* hides* WHO said That?

today, one of the patient pass away of Cancer.. lymphoma.
poor guy, he is hardly 40 yrs old. the whole health care team have been strugling hard to safe him yesterday.. but today, it was his time it seem.
i felt really sad for him..
had he been diagnosed earlier, this could have been avoided..
or if they have know that he couldn't be saved.. i think its better if he was allowed to spend his last time at home.. instead of dying surrounded by strangers like us.

the last 4 days- when he was admitted to the ward, he seem fine ( not as sick as he was yesterday) .. still can talk, smile .. still very lively..
he could have a more peaceful departure surrounded by his loves one.. listening to their voice, have them to hold his hand and whisper the" shahadah". but lives don't always goes as planned..

nobody would have thought that it would happens so fast.

last week also, a patient whom i cared passed away. i'm still sad about it, not because of the fact that he died, but the way he died.
he was send to the ward, bedridden, presented with pressure ulcer ( 2nd stage) on various part of his body that even looking at him make you feel his pain.
since the day he was send to the ward, i nver see any of his relatives comes to visit at all( but i dont know if they did at the time i wasn't there)
i noticed that sometimes there were tears falling from his eyes.. i think he wish his family was there..but now, i think it was because of other cause.

a week before he passed away, his condition improves, and with that i believe he will survived ( but somehow deep down, i found myself wishing that he would just go- o that he will no longer suffer the pain)

i dont know how he died precisely because i wasn't on duty that day.. Maybe it was better that i wasn't there, i might cry..
but the most shocking thing is that.. he is a muslim after all. .and we only know it after he pass away- his relative only reveal that later after everything was too late..
Why on earth did they do that???!!!!!!
They have all the time a month before to tell us that, but they didn't!
i hope his soul will rest in peace and may he be placed in the heaven.


" inna lillah hi wa inna ila hi ro ji un"