loveless..

my frend wrote something like this on her status in FB

"Ward-a place of thousands life and their own little stories, only special people that He chosed to win the emotional battle! n i loose~"

i would be lying if i said that i never felt sad or angry or having other negative feeling when working in the ward. No matter how strong I tried to act in front of my patients, there are times when i felt like not wanting to be there- i wanna run away from facing the emotional battle in the ward.

Someone once told me not to get too emotionally attached with the patients that we take care of. But how could you not having the feeling of care and concern about these patient when you are working with them like... everyday until he/she was discharged or.. gone. For me, that is absolutely impossible, Zettai muri!!!. and because of that, from a professional part, i think i fail miserably,because i always sees my patients and their relatives as a family of mine. Sometimes i have to remind myself not to be like that, but I cant help it. I love the people I'm working for (the patients that is.. doctors were never our superior!!)

emotional breakdown.. I never though that i'll experience this so soon, ne. i thought that if i give my all to the job that i am doing, i'll do just fine.. SUPER FINE.. It did sometimes, but when things take a turn for worst at the patients.. I think it kill me as much as it kill the patient's real relatives.

There was this patient who have been admitted to the ward several time for her cancer treatment and pleural abscess. A petite chinese grandma whom were always smilling and i think she is soo cute. I like this patient soooooo much, like my own grandma, her relatives are also very friendly and nice.. they feel almost like a real family of mine in the ward. I have my motivation to work-remembering that i'll meet her again in the ward- Warm.. it's that kind of feeling. You see, there are types of people that makes you feel like wanting to be close to them once you know them and some other makes u feel like keeping a distance. in her case it's the first.

Well, she died last week- on my last day in the surgical ward- and also the last day of the chinese new year. It was a heartbreaking moment for me, the second LO after another Cancer patient 2 weeks before. She was on the DNR ( Do not resuscitate) list, so all that we do is let her die in piece. i was on the verge to cry, but if you yourself are crying- how can you calm the other relatives?. So, everything was kept lock inside...and it hurt- soo deeply its crushing my heart until now. Her smile, her small voice, the look on her confused face when she does understand the words i'm saying( she doesn't know Malay or english much).. I miss her so much.

my heart was telling me not to pay too much attention to my patients again next time.. LOVELESS... is this the only way out for me not to be in this kind of pain again and again?