My mom is a teacher at the same school i was in during standard 1 and 2. At that time, she was known to be the one fierce teacher- u-dont-wanna-mess-with. So, at that time, i think it really would be a disadvantage for me if my fellow friend know who I was back then. So, i never call her " mak" at the school area or when my schoolmate are around. When other talk about her, i would just pretend and act casually , "oh.. it's that teacher... " and just listen. I still believe that some of my friends at that time really fall for that ( laugh) and just talk about her in front of me. maybe they are really lucky because i never really bother to remember what have been said about her at that time nor did i bother to go tell her about it. I guess i dont really care about that at that time or i just forget everything once i got home.. or because at home i always get into fight with my lil sis.. ( laugh)
( Candid 1-beleive me she didn't usually make faces like that..)
( Candid 1-beleive me she didn't usually make faces like that..)
There was a phase of my life when I was having fight with her all the time. i think it's when I as in form 2 and 3.I felt that she never understand how i felt at that time, being in a school where everybody was doing exceeding well in their study, - i felt so left out and burned out. we dont really talk much at that time..At that time, everything my mom said just seemed annoying. She would ask," how was your day at school today?" or just some random thing and i would just ignore it or just simply answer Ok. My attitude was kind of like, "Shut up! Don't talk to me like you know me that well!" Parents were unbelievably irritating ( my lil thinking at that time.. gosh.. what a spoil brat i was back then).. Thinking of that now, i wonder, does unstable hormon made us like that?
I think i change a lot when i was away from home- getting to the matriculation. With nobody else to fully depend to when i was having trouble, ( i can never talk about my prob with my peers- dunno why) , i realize how much my mom mean to me. How much i miss her nagging, How much sacrifices she have made and how patience she is all this while to put up with my moody behavior. There was a time when my dad's car was hit by another car from behind when we are still inside the car, instead of worrying over her own condition,she concern more about me. During RAmadhan, eventhough she was tired from her work, she would rush to my place- to send food to break fast. I really have the best parent in the world dont I, ne?
Changing my old way to a new one was kinda weird,but, thinking too much about awkwardness wouldn't change anything. ne. So, on her birthday, mother days, any special days, I went all out- cooking, make cards and roses on each of those occasion... I think she was really happy, probably. My mom is like me in a way that we dont really show off how we feel in front of other, so she didn't made a big deal out of things like that. but, i notice she kept all of them in an album with date and years marked on them- haha.. maybe i'll be able to open a card gallery one day). After that, things have been very natural. We've been the best of friend ever since.
mom had me when she was already 28, it was something i admire of her. being able to keep up to the pressure of the norms( of getting marry early ) ,she still manages to be true to herself. because now, eventhough I know i have plans for my future that may exclude marriage, i cant help but feel pressured when one by one of my friends ties the knot. other than that is that she gives me the freedom to choose my own path of life. like when I wanted to enroll to ASMA, eventhough i think she would really want me to go to Sek Agama- to keep the legacy?, she let me choose my road. When i chooses nursing over teaching( still-legacy) and over other courses they knew would be more suitable for me..she didn't even once said words that discourage me into doing what i think best for me.
Maybe it's what a parent do, they support their child dream eventhough it wasn't always what they have in mind about their child. Sometimes.. I wonder, if me being a nurse is all that she ever want of me.. Is she proud with who I choose to be? Would she be prouder if I were something else? I really hope that they are proud of who i am. because my reasons for living are them, my friends and my dreams. i hope i'' be able to contribute something for them, instead of receiving, i want to start giving back to them.
when i was in school, I strive very hard in studies not just because i hate losing, but also because i want to see their proud face. i used to dream of giving the" excellent parent award" - an award the school give to parents of excellent student whom have work hard for their child. I have always want to let them sit at the seat for the award receiver since in Form 1, - yes i cried when i couldnt fulfill that wish. so , In University I still want them to sit somewhere higher than other parents- i wish them to see me graduating in first degree honor- but it seem that it wasn't as easy as i thought, and things could always go wrong the moment we least expect them. deshou. But that doesn't mean that i should stop trying and striving ne.
recently, mom's health wasn't at her best. Her hypertension sometimes strikes, she began to fall sick very easily. i wasn't able to be with her during that time ( and couldnt nurse her!) but all i could do is ask her how she was going each day. her hearing are failing-we have to shout make sure she hears us. it was unbearable for me to see her like that, and despite her condition, she still need to teach at school. Mothers indeed are so strong! they can do everything for a dear child, i hope i can give back to her.
In every cards that i made, i always wrote. " thanks for having me nd raising me up" but i can never say it out directly. But i do really hope that she understands that the words that i wrote are something that come directly from my heart. we says the word thanks, sorry and I love you thousand times in our life, but to me, saying that simple word directly to someone who trully means a lot and gives a lot to you was something hard to do. MOM, i am really glad that i'm your daughter... and please.. until i have the courage to say these words to you, i hope you can still hear me..
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