wishing on a star

i think my prayer have been answered.
everything went fine today.. in fact.. excellent!!!
thank God everything went fine..well.. at work at least..

today i worked in acute cubicle again..
as it is holiday today ( but of course nurses and doctors never experience a saturday and sunday break) .. the ward seem quite peaceful compared to yesterday.. ( ok..ok,i lied.. it was exactly the same like yesterday)
i think i got in the right mood today.. i didn't bother bother about what other have been able to do today that i still haven't got the chance to do yet( did i confuse u..haha)
It was tiring if u keep comparing your achievement with other.. but sometimes, u just cant help it right. ?
it was always the competition to be the best that motivate me to work harder each day.,but a some point, you forget what you always want, " to do your thing".
you seek recognition for being the one able to do many procedure.. one other can depend on - NEEDED..
but you forget to do " your thing"- nursing with compassion, touch with care, listen with empathy, and make them feel happy that there is someone who are caring for them like a family..
CAught in the middle of a competition.Everything now seem just as a JOB..you came to the ward, check on the patient, give medicine, keep his hygiene, clean their wound, but you never know who you are caring, what was they feeling being at the ward alone- when everyone surrounds them have their family visiting, you only knew their physical medical diagnosis.. never their emotional diagnosis.

before this, i never really cared about being at the top of the class, never really cared if someone think that i'm stupid for spending longer time trying to do a work that other can just do a slipshot, never cared if someone think i'm pretending to be hardworking when i spend time working on a patient study case..
I dont know where and when, i change into a robot..
i did help a lot in the ward.. but i never feel happyand contended like i used to everytime i help the patients. I dont know them. they are just "works that i have to finish" instead of" a person/family member i want to care"

Did i decided to be a nurse so that i can be the one needed in case of medical emergency.. Yes.. but did i want to be a highly capable nurse who only knew to do her work and neglect other thing about the patient which has nothing to do with their medical diagnosis? NO.
I always dream of being a nurse who can be trusted to work with, confident, capable and the one that was close to the patient heart, the one who take care of a patient emotional and physical need. All this while, i was so buzy catching up with other, i forgot who i really want to be..
i forgot ME!!
i forgot my own true desire..
i forgot to build myself to be the one that i always wanted to be.

I REALLY HOPE TO BE ONE EXCELLENT NURSE..

i really do!!