hijau mata hitamku....

i'll be facing my licensing exam in a week time....

urgh..............

and i don't really feel i am ready to face this...

just got the result of the final xm last week... well, i have to say that.. Iza, u suck la... camna la bleh jatuh pointer nih?... hurm...

but no regret!! i know i have give my best ... errr ( except the paper part kot... sapa suroh malas lagi..)

overall.. my CGPA bleh tahan la.. but it is below what i have expect... sedey2..

some other have raise in their CGPA.... and some even got beyond what other achieve..

then.... datangla si setan nak menghasut bagi jeles kat org len...

i hate myself when i began to compare myself to other... because I know i could never win this battle if i keep looking at myself in other people's reflection...

i know... things happen 4 a reason... but sometimes cant help but to ask things like.. ,"why didn't I got what she/he got when i have strive even harder than em?"

or

" this is not fair!!!!!! Why did she get everything that i dream of achieving while i don't? "

or

" why wasn't i gifted with genius/photographic mind like her? why do i have to "suffer" to get to the level she so easily obtain"

that kind of negative feeling ..

i hate comparison.. really hate it!!!

even when i was on the better site, i cant shake off feeling not so good when i know people were comparing me with so and so..

but at the same time, cant run from it.. kan?

from...

comparing class achievement during xm and test

to ..

comparing who got the highest and lowest(dapat teruk.. nak compare sapa lagi teruk..

dapat elok pun nak banding sapa plg elok... )

to..

who got job first

to ..

who got the best working place

to..

who got the largest salary..

ect2

x habis2 kan...

camtu.. bilala baru nak menang... asyik terasa inadequate compared to someone else.. and that lead to feeling demotivated.. sungguh demotivated..

this is pathetic!!!

padahalnya... kalo suma org dapat benda yang sama ja.. then.. everybody's fate is standardized ke? I have different goal than that person i envy.. but learning that she is getting to her goal even faster than me make me feel so left out..

feel like i haven't been moving from the same place while she is sooo going places with her shinning wings...

i feel like a loser....

This SUCK!!!!

KARMA

ok... tetiba teringat kat cikgu Rosli bila sebut karma ni... sbb penah jumpa dalam buku sejarah yang dah tinggal sejarah sejak abis SPM..

tapi aku x terniat nak cakap sal cikgu Rosli yang dikhabarkan nak dapat menantu baru nanti.. Tahniah la cikgu.. wlaupun saya x dundng pun... ( dgn nada sedih) saya wish anak ckgu jodohnya panjang le hendaknya..

ok.. tinggalkan crita cikgu rosli tu..

skrg.. back to the main business..ecece..

sblm aku suka-suki je bg aku pya definisi karma ni.. aku google dulu la word ni... sblm memberi ajaran sesat lak kan...

kata encik wikipedia

"Karma' is an Indian religious concept in contradistinction to 'faith' espoused by Abrahamic religions (Judaism, Christianity, and Islam), which view all human dramas as the will of God as opposed to present - and past - life actions"

aku x yah translate la kan... sbb aku slalu tulis english korang bleh pun baca kan.. lagipun.. aku pun x paham sgt pekebendanya la dorang tulis tu.. hehe.* sambil buka kamus*

ok... wlau apapun yang encik wiki kate... aku nak mendifinisikan Karma ni macam What goes around come around la kan. kalo anda buat jahat kat orang.. korang inagt x tertangkap tu dah cukup hebat la.. tapi jangan ingat korang akan terlepas selamanya.. ada balasannya.. Bak kate pepatah," sepandai2 tupai melompat, akhirnya x berjaya masuk SUKMA jugak".. huh..macam pelik jeh.. apa korang rasa? aku rasa fresh oren (PERHATIAN: jgn guna peribahasa ni dalam karangan SPM korang..pihak kami x bertanggungjawab kalo anda kena mengulang subjek BM dalam SpM anda)

mak aku pulak kate," skrg kalo bt jahat, x yah tunggu nak kena time dah mati, kat dunia pun dah dapat dah" . x caye....? lantak r.. tapi aku percaya benda ni..

aku penah post something sal "kawan " yang bt benda salah, tapi nak jugak org puas ati ngan dia kan.. Ni kira macam lebey kurang la skrip asalnya.. just orang len la.. tapi kes lebih krg sama la. sesapa x puas ati aku ngunkit balik benda ni... bagitau siap2 .. sbb aku nak crita jugak.. Tis is my Blog kan.. and dat story involve me also.

so... dat someone membuat something yang mengsaikokan aku slama 3 minggu aku practikal kat satu wad ni.. Terasa teraniaya? mmg sgt2 trasa dianiaya, marah dan mcm nak nyumpah2 dia kalo aku jumpa dia..Because my team's reputation was torn bcos of her..( sila rujuk entry sblm ni yg menquote word"knapa grup kamu malas ?" ) Old story u may say... but please realize, bad rumors travel fast and they remains longer than any good news. Org bleh bagi seribu keburukan kita dan kosong kebaikan kita..bcause some pple like to think that they are better than other people... Thus there is a need to bring other down.

that person got off with her deed...and i got nothing to say about that.. Her luck kan.. but i think Tuhan tu sgt adil.. macam Karma.. wat u did, u get back. bukan nak bgembira atas kesedihan dia, aku pun bersimpati atas apa jd kat dia.. tapi deepdown.. aku terpikir satu word ja.. KARMA. she got her punishment 4 wat she did earlier n it was exactly wat she did to us. hurm... fullstop.

so, the point here is that, beringat la sblm nak aniaya orang.. Tuhan tu Maha Melihat dan Maha Mengetahui. Aku percaya, if u did good to other, other will also do good to you.. Mother theresa gives her life to people, she may not be rich with money from other, but she's rich with love. sampai skrg pun orang kenang dia.. and pray 4 her. u hurt other, u think other will love you kah? ( ditujukan kpd pn diktator.. ) . U say bad word to other, u think other will say good word about you? stop being delusional!!( macam sambungan emo last wek ja nih). OK... say watever, at least i know i'm not hypocrite and act as if I dont mind ( tune:beautiful monster-neyo).

oooh.. and when u talk abt other on ur blog... other people will also talk about u back...errrrr... WHOOPSIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

words...

i have a lot in mind to nag about... but when i really have the time to write something, the mood just went passing by and i end up updating nothing until yesterday..

and today...

really should be reading books for the nursing board exam... but seriously.. got no mood to even open up the books..

especially today

ok... what was i thinking just now.. oh! right.. WORDS

I think... the most powerful thing in the world that everybody have is words...

it can either lift you up or bring you down at a short time..

dont you agree?

when someone says words like, " well done" or " good job!!", it really does boost up my spirit a lot.. eventhough the things that i did was just something small. It's like , "yoshi..i'm gonna do better next time so that i can feel this happy" sort of feeling. it motivate you to do better and make one feel like what they are doing, regardless of how big or small it is worth it and appreciated.

but words like, " kamu x layak jadi so and so" atau, " you have no integrity" ( just bcause of some very trivial thing for God sake..) , atau" kalau kamu rasa kamu x suka ngan apa yg saya bt, kamu bleh kluar dr sini" atau, " kenapa grup kamu ni macam malas eh" ( pdhal kamu x rehat lgsung pun dr wad time practical..siap blik lmbat lg) atau.." budak tu mmg slalu mcm tu.. lambat pickup"( when you know you have try ur best to do things up to their standard.. and yang lawaknya, org yang dok ngata tu bt keja x betul pun..tapi perasan dia tu sgt hebat sbb dia dah keja) really make me feel so low..frustrated and sad.

it's not like i don't accept criticism .. but dont do it to the point the person u are criticizing are disgraced. if you want to teach, cant u just words that don't downgrade other. sbg senior, nak ajar junior.. mestikah nak kena ckp kasar utk pastikan msg kamu tu smpai kat jr kamu..? atau staff nurse nak ajar student nurse, mestikah malukan sorang student yang bt salah dpn orng lain supaya ajaran tu sampai..?" adakah penggunaan word BODOH, X LAYAK JD NURSE, LEMBAP tu memastikan student tu paham apa yang korang ajar? hebat sangatkah kamu nak melabel org lain yang terang berusaha utk bt yang terbaik dia bleh buat sbg org yang "BODOH, MALAS, lembap ect" terutamanya bila kamu sendiri xla sesempurna mana. sempurna sgtkah kamu untuk mengadili orang lain... I mean, who are you to judge other... you are not even perfect like the people you are judging, what make you so special that you can just simply go and label other just like that !!!!!

aku mmg tgh emo ngan sorang makhluk Tuhan paling perasan, narcissistic dan paling annoying pernah aku jumpa.. Belajar je tinggi2, tapi bebalnya aku x tau nak cakap apa dah. my mum and dad are both teachers,and as far as i know and experience with my own beloved teachers in Asma, teacher are strict, but they are soft at the same time and also always motivating their student to reach their goal.. Tapi makhluk Tuhan yang dikatakan ni, sebaliknya pula... when she should be helping student to deal with their prob, she created the problem.. When she should be encouraging students to study and strive to get the best of their job, she comes and destroy everyone's happiness and motivation with her stinking mouth and instead of encouraging us to love the profession, she's making us feel like escaping it even before we even enter it.. WTF... I dont really know what is her function in this place...!!!!! but everywhere she go, i smell TROUBLE, added with I-think-i'm- the-greatest-person-on-earth-and-everyone-must-bow-to-me attitude..

( what.... she doesn't smile at me when she sees me 10 meter away... off with her head!!)

And she must have think that she is always right!!! she don't even know you, and yet, just because you once did something that she doesn't like( like not accepting her not-so-useful-idea for an activity, or forgot to smile at her when u meet her, or use the wrong word to address her when u meet her by accident or not ) .. you will forever get the name as " hard-to-deal" or "troubled" student. And whenever she sees you.. watchout!! you should know that she'll always keep an eye on you..in case you did something wrong again. And yes, u are forever her target for scolding eventhough u really didn't do anything wrong!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

to keep on looking for others fault

Live must have been really boring for her ...

i weep for her loneliness and inability to live with peace with everyone

she must have an allergy for affection... that why she seek respect so much ( duh.. respect should be earn.. not forced upon)

i hope you live happily being hated by the whole fac... ( i really cant believe that there is anyone who like her... honestly... kalo ada tu... kira ajaib la)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

do it anyway...

“People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.

Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.

Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.

Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.

Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.” – from Mother Teresa’s wall

chingu

Dear BLOGGIE…

I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

More than I’m miss watching YB..( seriously!)I never know that I’ll miss you this much.. haha

So much have happen the last 3 weeks, so much to tell.. but I barely have time or mood to update anything .

My mum was hospitalized for her hypertension, Diabetes mellitus and Bell palsy. So I was home for the whole 2 week .. so..like usual la..I’m in Hiatus. She recovered quite well, although her facial paralysis wasn’t completely cured ( I think after a few therapies. She’ll be back to her usual self).For those who have been worrying about her and cheering me up.. Million thanks u guys !! m(_ _)m

( see... she is as healthy as ever )

There was this saying that you’ll know you true friend when you are in trouble/stress. I guess, I was blessed to have my friends support during my time of distress ne. Dealing with a sick relative was quite a challenge for some, including me. Being in a different picture, now as a patient’s family kinda teaches me a lot. Regardless of who she is, I think one really needs a support of someone in that kind of situation. You can’t help feeling hopeless when you know there isn’t anything much that you can do to make things better. You are anxious, distress and weary.. but there was no one there to calm you down except for yourself.

That was the time when a friend is most needed. It doesn’t need expensive gift or anything fancy ne. A simple word such as “ How are you feeling” or “ take care” already means a lot, and a simple act like to visit them in the ward can lighten up the patient and their family more than you think they would. My mum smile a lot and seem really happy that all of her colleagues and some students from school visit her at home after she was discharged. One of the teacher even volunteer to help her with the facial therapy everyday for 2 weeks. She came to our house every night to massage mum, buy her some complimentary medication, talk to her about her worries, and help her to go through her situation more than I can. And she did all of that for FREE! With all of them coming to visit her and all the care and love they show, that make me think.. “ human are so nice, ne” I couldn’t thank her enough! and I wish I can be that good/ helpful to my friends and make a positive different in their life like this teacher does. I mean, that was what friends are for right? They help each other, and they sincerely care for each other.

I believe everyone needs a friend, ne. But not everyone knows how to appreciate a good friend and be a good friend to other. If you want other to be good to you, you must first be good friend to other.. But some people just don’t get that. They want to have a good friend, but they themselves fail to be one for their friends. I used to hear someone claim that they are good friend to someone, but at the same time, they were bad mouthing each other behind each other’s back! It always make me think, “ how did they define friend as?” Is friend just someone you like to hang around with, or someone you can use to get what you want, someone whom you like because she has the look and styles that fits you, someone who you love to gossip with, someone whom will make you proud because of her fame, wealth or background? You hang out with her but you don’t really care about her .When she loses all that, do you simply just push her away? A friend is to be appreciated not to be used and throw away when you are done with them. How can you call yourself a friend, when you go behind her back saying bad thing about her, left her when she need you, and let her to continue doing mistake she is doing before as if it doesn’t matter.

A friend of mine, Q gets into some problem with another friend ,X because her “so-called best friend “ tell her that Q was not happy that she was doing something unprofessional during training. X was furious because of that( which I think wasn’t something she should be mad of..because it was truly her mistake. You can’t expect other to be happy for you when u did the wrong thing you know) When someone was mad at you for your wrong doing, it shows that they care. They do not want you to continue doing the same mistake. The people whom you regards as friend but just let you to repeat you mistakes and just put a blind eyes when you did something wrong was nowhere a friend. They are willing to see you fall instead of helping you up. If she is really a good friend as she claim she is, she wouldn’t tell X what Q said or what other were saying bad about X( because she wants to protect X from being sad ) she herself will advise X to change for good. But people always take it the other way around, they think that the one whom were changing them for good, constantly correcting and be angry when they make mistake were their enemy and the one who just let them do whatever they want are their friends.

In my opinion, being clear about things and being harsh at times when it's needed are counted as kindness. For example, if your friend does something wrong, I think defending her in a laid-back manner and letting things slide without paying too much attention is wrong. If you aren't honest with your thoughts then, even if it's acceptable in that situation, it will eventually hurt the other person. You don't necessarily have to pinpoint everything, but being bold enough to say things that are a little critical is true kindness. ( Yamapi)-credits: Seventeen_0409

Real friend will not let their friend to do the wrong thing because they would be worry if you get hurt, because she will also be hurt. Even if you think that she is nagging at you, or making you feel irritated. She did it for your own good. If someone was talking bad about you, they will fell as if they were the one being talked about. Not the one who were talking bad about you! When you cry, they will cry with you, when you were praised, they smiles with proud for you ( and not conspiring to bring you down and pull all attention to herself)they protect you. They accept you the way you are and only change you when you were wrong, they build you to be a better you and be with you through thick and thin. If the one you called friend are letting you keep on drowning in your mistakes, consider back why are being friend with her-because for me, it is not worth it-she doesn’t really give a damn about you.

For my dear mabudachi, thank you for being there when I need you guys. I know there’s a lot I have to improve, please continue to help me along the way. For always being my “ taeyang” , “shine a light “ along my way..Thank You. And along our way, If I fail to be a good friend to all of you.. “I’m so sorry.. bUt I love you.. “and that is not a Lie( gojitmal)

uHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

looking forward to 9th April again after 2 years..( humming happily)
* smiling to self*
thanks for being the reason for me to smile despite all this cloudy cloud hanging around my heard right now..
its easier to breakdown now instead of smiling.. so , really.. arigato na!
( there I goes again talking something uncomprehensable again.haha)

( yes? NO?..... I know I'm in the mist of mental breakdown now.. OH MY RESEARCH REPORT!!!)

oh shit...!!!!!!


haven finish that report yet ..



so until then....

loveless..

my frend wrote something like this on her status in FB

"Ward-a place of thousands life and their own little stories, only special people that He chosed to win the emotional battle! n i loose~"

i would be lying if i said that i never felt sad or angry or having other negative feeling when working in the ward. No matter how strong I tried to act in front of my patients, there are times when i felt like not wanting to be there- i wanna run away from facing the emotional battle in the ward.

Someone once told me not to get too emotionally attached with the patients that we take care of. But how could you not having the feeling of care and concern about these patient when you are working with them like... everyday until he/she was discharged or.. gone. For me, that is absolutely impossible, Zettai muri!!!. and because of that, from a professional part, i think i fail miserably,because i always sees my patients and their relatives as a family of mine. Sometimes i have to remind myself not to be like that, but I cant help it. I love the people I'm working for (the patients that is.. doctors were never our superior!!)

emotional breakdown.. I never though that i'll experience this so soon, ne. i thought that if i give my all to the job that i am doing, i'll do just fine.. SUPER FINE.. It did sometimes, but when things take a turn for worst at the patients.. I think it kill me as much as it kill the patient's real relatives.

There was this patient who have been admitted to the ward several time for her cancer treatment and pleural abscess. A petite chinese grandma whom were always smilling and i think she is soo cute. I like this patient soooooo much, like my own grandma, her relatives are also very friendly and nice.. they feel almost like a real family of mine in the ward. I have my motivation to work-remembering that i'll meet her again in the ward- Warm.. it's that kind of feeling. You see, there are types of people that makes you feel like wanting to be close to them once you know them and some other makes u feel like keeping a distance. in her case it's the first.

Well, she died last week- on my last day in the surgical ward- and also the last day of the chinese new year. It was a heartbreaking moment for me, the second LO after another Cancer patient 2 weeks before. She was on the DNR ( Do not resuscitate) list, so all that we do is let her die in piece. i was on the verge to cry, but if you yourself are crying- how can you calm the other relatives?. So, everything was kept lock inside...and it hurt- soo deeply its crushing my heart until now. Her smile, her small voice, the look on her confused face when she does understand the words i'm saying( she doesn't know Malay or english much).. I miss her so much.

my heart was telling me not to pay too much attention to my patients again next time.. LOVELESS... is this the only way out for me not to be in this kind of pain again and again?

problem...

Trough out our lives, we can never run away from problems ne. in every stage of live that we went through, there gonna be something that makes us troubled. At that time, our problem seem so big- we can’t even think of anything else except it , but as we grow up, and look back at the problem.. it suddenly become small and trivial..because we already know how to overcome them.

I remember , when I was 9 years old, getting to school late was a major problem to me.( laugh) There was one time that I came in 20 minutes late to school , and I was so worry that I would be scolded- I decided to skip school that day. But then, I couldn’t get back home or I’ll get a double scolding from my parents and grandparents, so I went hiding in a building near to the school. That building was left unused for quite some times and at the back of it was thick bushes and some said that they saw snakes there sometimes. I was so scared of being scolded that being in that kind of place seem a lot safer than surrendering and went to school. I stayed there for 3 to 4 hours before I heard someone coming near to that place. Panicked and scared, I went even further to the bushes!Someone calling my name from afar, I knew that I have been discovered as I forgot to hide my bike. Then, tired of hiding and scared of the surrounding , I guess I let myself be discovered. Back at home, my grandparents hug me so tightly as if I had been missing for years! I was expected scolding from them but that thing were left unsaid until now. Later only I discovered, my class teacher ask my parents regarding me not coming to school , but they know that I went to school( halfway anyway) so they suspect something bad had happened. They kinda held a “Searching” operation to find me in the village.. thinking of that back, why did I make that kind of decision back then. How come I see that as one very big problem, I should just go to school, then I wouldn’t miss the lesson for that day and my grandparent don’t have to be so worried over me.

During form 2 and 3, my major trouble was the ERT class teacher- during her sewing class especially. I am really weak and untalented in sewing that every time I tried to use the machine, something bad would happen to it (cries). It will always break down when I use it-am I cursed or what? My teacher at that time is one fierce teacher with a sharp eyes for students who are not doing their work nicely..which would be..ahem-ME. I would be called many times-until the point that I hate to hear my own name. (laugh) The class was on Thursday, thus during that day, I would pretend to be sick and not going to school on that day. My dad didn’t always fall for that trick so I would have to face that teacher even if I cry in front of him. Now, I still cant say that I can sew, because I still suck at using the machine- but I can proudly say that I can cook better than most of my friends due to that teacher’s guidance. And if asked who was the teacher that I look up to in school, her name is always there- Pn Rohana Luxaman. For your stern teaching and care- thank you very much mem.

( sometimes when i feel so sad and feel that i just had enough of the day..looking at the beautiful sky calms me down ..It make me think,Ahhh my problems are so small ne yet i fuss over it)

Trouble isn’t always something bad ne. Maybe at that time, it seem so big, you would feel hopeless and anxiety. But as time passed, you will see the beauty the trouble brought you. We learn many thing from conflict, trouble and failure than we do when we are calm, winning or having success. What you need is patience and believe that things will be better with God’s willing. When I have problems, I always called my parents and friends for a chat- I wouldn’t tell them I was troubled, but just speaking to the people who are close to me make the burden lighter. Telling them my problem and let them worry make me feel even worst, but laughing with them ease my heart. If that doesn’t do the trick, I would stuff myself , read the Quran, or listen to music while I sleeps. I don’t want to think too much about my problem ne. Only thinking about them and regrets over things that have happened wouldn’t do anything to improve your condition right.

Remember I used to have great problem when I have a quarrel with my roommate. I was so stressed by it I cried every night thinking of how hurt I was during that time. We stops contacting each other or even speak to each other- we grew so distance that I almost forget that we used to be so close before. Then, a year passed, one day she called me and oddly the joyfull feeling comes back and as if nothing ever happen, we chat happy for nearly an hour.( laugh)later I realize, during those quiet time, I learn to be a friend who think about other’s feeling more, be fair in the way I treat others and open up my circle of friendship more towards those that I seldom talk to. In the end, I made more friends than I used to, and discover a new me in the way. And I’m glad that it doesn’t have to end between me and her because eventhough I said that I was mad at her, deep down.. I still care about her a lot.

( the best cure of a broken heart- he laughter and concern of a friends)

My dear friend fail her paper and I know that she was feeling despair and sad over that thing. Saying that people would think she is a stupid person over that failure. .i wish I could hug her and calm her down .i know that feeling. When you see how other are achieving better than you while they didn’t even try as hard as you would seem unfair isn’t it? But life has it’s own way of showing us it’s beauty ne. I believe thing happen for a reason and I hope she will be able to find a good reason behind what happened to her, I pray that this incident would make her an even wsiser and stronger person!

My other friend was also troubled over something bad that was spread behind by someone. Having that kind of problem when we only have another 3 month to graduate would be so stressing ne. for the people who likes to spread rumors.. you are so LOW!! People have to work hard to build the thing that they achieve today, and if you cant reach to the same level, look at your self, did you strive as hard, do you think you can handle the pressure if you are in her place, can you do it differently if you are in her place?so why must you ruin it for her just because of jealousy or hate/ grudge . if you have grudge, until when do you want to take till you are satisfy? dendam tak bawa ke mana la.

( my fav spot of all time to let go off my trouble- the beach.. being there itself was so uplifting, and serene)

Life is too short to be worrying about trivial problem and trouble..ne. I hope I’ll be able to fill my life with happiness and shines for the people whom I nurse. For my dear friends..thank you so much for being there for me. Lets us all continue to experience life happily.