uHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

looking forward to 9th April again after 2 years..( humming happily)
* smiling to self*
thanks for being the reason for me to smile despite all this cloudy cloud hanging around my heard right now..
its easier to breakdown now instead of smiling.. so , really.. arigato na!
( there I goes again talking something uncomprehensable again.haha)

( yes? NO?..... I know I'm in the mist of mental breakdown now.. OH MY RESEARCH REPORT!!!)

oh shit...!!!!!!


haven finish that report yet ..



so until then....

loveless..

my frend wrote something like this on her status in FB

"Ward-a place of thousands life and their own little stories, only special people that He chosed to win the emotional battle! n i loose~"

i would be lying if i said that i never felt sad or angry or having other negative feeling when working in the ward. No matter how strong I tried to act in front of my patients, there are times when i felt like not wanting to be there- i wanna run away from facing the emotional battle in the ward.

Someone once told me not to get too emotionally attached with the patients that we take care of. But how could you not having the feeling of care and concern about these patient when you are working with them like... everyday until he/she was discharged or.. gone. For me, that is absolutely impossible, Zettai muri!!!. and because of that, from a professional part, i think i fail miserably,because i always sees my patients and their relatives as a family of mine. Sometimes i have to remind myself not to be like that, but I cant help it. I love the people I'm working for (the patients that is.. doctors were never our superior!!)

emotional breakdown.. I never though that i'll experience this so soon, ne. i thought that if i give my all to the job that i am doing, i'll do just fine.. SUPER FINE.. It did sometimes, but when things take a turn for worst at the patients.. I think it kill me as much as it kill the patient's real relatives.

There was this patient who have been admitted to the ward several time for her cancer treatment and pleural abscess. A petite chinese grandma whom were always smilling and i think she is soo cute. I like this patient soooooo much, like my own grandma, her relatives are also very friendly and nice.. they feel almost like a real family of mine in the ward. I have my motivation to work-remembering that i'll meet her again in the ward- Warm.. it's that kind of feeling. You see, there are types of people that makes you feel like wanting to be close to them once you know them and some other makes u feel like keeping a distance. in her case it's the first.

Well, she died last week- on my last day in the surgical ward- and also the last day of the chinese new year. It was a heartbreaking moment for me, the second LO after another Cancer patient 2 weeks before. She was on the DNR ( Do not resuscitate) list, so all that we do is let her die in piece. i was on the verge to cry, but if you yourself are crying- how can you calm the other relatives?. So, everything was kept lock inside...and it hurt- soo deeply its crushing my heart until now. Her smile, her small voice, the look on her confused face when she does understand the words i'm saying( she doesn't know Malay or english much).. I miss her so much.

my heart was telling me not to pay too much attention to my patients again next time.. LOVELESS... is this the only way out for me not to be in this kind of pain again and again?

problem...

Trough out our lives, we can never run away from problems ne. in every stage of live that we went through, there gonna be something that makes us troubled. At that time, our problem seem so big- we can’t even think of anything else except it , but as we grow up, and look back at the problem.. it suddenly become small and trivial..because we already know how to overcome them.

I remember , when I was 9 years old, getting to school late was a major problem to me.( laugh) There was one time that I came in 20 minutes late to school , and I was so worry that I would be scolded- I decided to skip school that day. But then, I couldn’t get back home or I’ll get a double scolding from my parents and grandparents, so I went hiding in a building near to the school. That building was left unused for quite some times and at the back of it was thick bushes and some said that they saw snakes there sometimes. I was so scared of being scolded that being in that kind of place seem a lot safer than surrendering and went to school. I stayed there for 3 to 4 hours before I heard someone coming near to that place. Panicked and scared, I went even further to the bushes!Someone calling my name from afar, I knew that I have been discovered as I forgot to hide my bike. Then, tired of hiding and scared of the surrounding , I guess I let myself be discovered. Back at home, my grandparents hug me so tightly as if I had been missing for years! I was expected scolding from them but that thing were left unsaid until now. Later only I discovered, my class teacher ask my parents regarding me not coming to school , but they know that I went to school( halfway anyway) so they suspect something bad had happened. They kinda held a “Searching” operation to find me in the village.. thinking of that back, why did I make that kind of decision back then. How come I see that as one very big problem, I should just go to school, then I wouldn’t miss the lesson for that day and my grandparent don’t have to be so worried over me.

During form 2 and 3, my major trouble was the ERT class teacher- during her sewing class especially. I am really weak and untalented in sewing that every time I tried to use the machine, something bad would happen to it (cries). It will always break down when I use it-am I cursed or what? My teacher at that time is one fierce teacher with a sharp eyes for students who are not doing their work nicely..which would be..ahem-ME. I would be called many times-until the point that I hate to hear my own name. (laugh) The class was on Thursday, thus during that day, I would pretend to be sick and not going to school on that day. My dad didn’t always fall for that trick so I would have to face that teacher even if I cry in front of him. Now, I still cant say that I can sew, because I still suck at using the machine- but I can proudly say that I can cook better than most of my friends due to that teacher’s guidance. And if asked who was the teacher that I look up to in school, her name is always there- Pn Rohana Luxaman. For your stern teaching and care- thank you very much mem.

( sometimes when i feel so sad and feel that i just had enough of the day..looking at the beautiful sky calms me down ..It make me think,Ahhh my problems are so small ne yet i fuss over it)

Trouble isn’t always something bad ne. Maybe at that time, it seem so big, you would feel hopeless and anxiety. But as time passed, you will see the beauty the trouble brought you. We learn many thing from conflict, trouble and failure than we do when we are calm, winning or having success. What you need is patience and believe that things will be better with God’s willing. When I have problems, I always called my parents and friends for a chat- I wouldn’t tell them I was troubled, but just speaking to the people who are close to me make the burden lighter. Telling them my problem and let them worry make me feel even worst, but laughing with them ease my heart. If that doesn’t do the trick, I would stuff myself , read the Quran, or listen to music while I sleeps. I don’t want to think too much about my problem ne. Only thinking about them and regrets over things that have happened wouldn’t do anything to improve your condition right.

Remember I used to have great problem when I have a quarrel with my roommate. I was so stressed by it I cried every night thinking of how hurt I was during that time. We stops contacting each other or even speak to each other- we grew so distance that I almost forget that we used to be so close before. Then, a year passed, one day she called me and oddly the joyfull feeling comes back and as if nothing ever happen, we chat happy for nearly an hour.( laugh)later I realize, during those quiet time, I learn to be a friend who think about other’s feeling more, be fair in the way I treat others and open up my circle of friendship more towards those that I seldom talk to. In the end, I made more friends than I used to, and discover a new me in the way. And I’m glad that it doesn’t have to end between me and her because eventhough I said that I was mad at her, deep down.. I still care about her a lot.

( the best cure of a broken heart- he laughter and concern of a friends)

My dear friend fail her paper and I know that she was feeling despair and sad over that thing. Saying that people would think she is a stupid person over that failure. .i wish I could hug her and calm her down .i know that feeling. When you see how other are achieving better than you while they didn’t even try as hard as you would seem unfair isn’t it? But life has it’s own way of showing us it’s beauty ne. I believe thing happen for a reason and I hope she will be able to find a good reason behind what happened to her, I pray that this incident would make her an even wsiser and stronger person!

My other friend was also troubled over something bad that was spread behind by someone. Having that kind of problem when we only have another 3 month to graduate would be so stressing ne. for the people who likes to spread rumors.. you are so LOW!! People have to work hard to build the thing that they achieve today, and if you cant reach to the same level, look at your self, did you strive as hard, do you think you can handle the pressure if you are in her place, can you do it differently if you are in her place?so why must you ruin it for her just because of jealousy or hate/ grudge . if you have grudge, until when do you want to take till you are satisfy? dendam tak bawa ke mana la.

( my fav spot of all time to let go off my trouble- the beach.. being there itself was so uplifting, and serene)

Life is too short to be worrying about trivial problem and trouble..ne. I hope I’ll be able to fill my life with happiness and shines for the people whom I nurse. For my dear friends..thank you so much for being there for me. Lets us all continue to experience life happily.

someone special

She is the first person i'll turn to when i was having difficulties to made up my mind, having worries over trivial things, get mad at my colleagues over our assignment, or just need someone to talk to. The one who make me the person i am today beside dad ( the positive one of course- i learn to be the nasty mean me by observing and adapting to my current surrounding ( laugh wickedly) . Yet , i can never tell her how much she meant to me verbally..

My mom is a teacher at the same school i was in during standard 1 and 2. At that time, she was known to be the one fierce teacher- u-dont-wanna-mess-with. So, at that time, i think it really would be a disadvantage for me if my fellow friend know who I was back then. So, i never call her " mak" at the school area or when my schoolmate are around. When other talk about her, i would just pretend and act casually , "oh.. it's that teacher... " and just listen. I still believe that some of my friends at that time really fall for that ( laugh) and just talk about her in front of me. maybe they are really lucky because i never really bother to remember what have been said about her at that time nor did i bother to go tell her about it. I guess i dont really care about that at that time or i just forget everything once i got home.. or because at home i always get into fight with my lil sis.. ( laugh)
( Candid 1-beleive me she didn't usually make faces like that..)

There was a phase of my life when I was having fight with her all the time. i think it's when I as in form 2 and 3.I felt that she never understand how i felt at that time, being in a school where everybody was doing exceeding well in their study, - i felt so left out and burned out. we dont really talk much at that time..At that time, everything my mom said just seemed annoying. She would ask," how was your day at school today?" or just some random thing and i would just ignore it or just simply answer Ok. My attitude was kind of like, "Shut up! Don't talk to me like you know me that well!" Parents were unbelievably irritating ( my lil thinking at that time.. gosh.. what a spoil brat i was back then).. Thinking of that now, i wonder, does unstable hormon made us like that?

I think i change a lot when i was away from home- getting to the matriculation. With nobody else to fully depend to when i was having trouble, ( i can never talk about my prob with my peers- dunno why) , i realize how much my mom mean to me. How much i miss her nagging, How much sacrifices she have made and how patience she is all this while to put up with my moody behavior. There was a time when my dad's car was hit by another car from behind when we are still inside the car, instead of worrying over her own condition,she concern more about me. During RAmadhan, eventhough she was tired from her work, she would rush to my place- to send food to break fast. I really have the best parent in the world dont I, ne?

Changing my old way to a new one was kinda weird,but, thinking too much about awkwardness wouldn't change anything. ne. So, on her birthday, mother days, any special days, I went all out- cooking, make cards and roses on each of those occasion... I think she was really happy, probably. My mom is like me in a way that we dont really show off how we feel in front of other, so she didn't made a big deal out of things like that. but, i notice she kept all of them in an album with date and years marked on them- haha.. maybe i'll be able to open a card gallery one day). After that, things have been very natural. We've been the best of friend ever since.

mom had me when she was already 28, it was something i admire of her. being able to keep up to the pressure of the norms( of getting marry early ) ,she still manages to be true to herself. because now, eventhough I know i have plans for my future that may exclude marriage, i cant help but feel pressured when one by one of my friends ties the knot. other than that is that she gives me the freedom to choose my own path of life. like when I wanted to enroll to ASMA, eventhough i think she would really want me to go to Sek Agama- to keep the legacy?, she let me choose my road. When i chooses nursing over teaching( still-legacy) and over other courses they knew would be more suitable for me..she didn't even once said words that discourage me into doing what i think best for me.
Maybe it's what a parent do, they support their child dream eventhough it wasn't always what they have in mind about their child. Sometimes.. I wonder, if me being a nurse is all that she ever want of me.. Is she proud with who I choose to be? Would she be prouder if I were something else? I really hope that they are proud of who i am. because my reasons for living are them, my friends and my dreams. i hope i'' be able to contribute something for them, instead of receiving, i want to start giving back to them.

when i was in school, I strive very hard in studies not just because i hate losing, but also because i want to see their proud face. i used to dream of giving the" excellent parent award" - an award the school give to parents of excellent student whom have work hard for their child. I have always want to let them sit at the seat for the award receiver since in Form 1, - yes i cried when i couldnt fulfill that wish. so , In University I still want them to sit somewhere higher than other parents- i wish them to see me graduating in first degree honor- but it seem that it wasn't as easy as i thought, and things could always go wrong the moment we least expect them. deshou. But that doesn't mean that i should stop trying and striving ne.

recently, mom's health wasn't at her best. Her hypertension sometimes strikes, she began to fall sick very easily. i wasn't able to be with her during that time ( and couldnt nurse her!) but all i could do is ask her how she was going each day. her hearing are failing-we have to shout make sure she hears us. it was unbearable for me to see her like that, and despite her condition, she still need to teach at school. Mothers indeed are so strong! they can do everything for a dear child, i hope i can give back to her.

In every cards that i made, i always wrote. " thanks for having me nd raising me up" but i can never say it out directly. But i do really hope that she understands that the words that i wrote are something that come directly from my heart. we says the word thanks, sorry and I love you thousand times in our life, but to me, saying that simple word directly to someone who trully means a lot and gives a lot to you was something hard to do. MOM, i am really glad that i'm your daughter... and please.. until i have the courage to say these words to you, i hope you can still hear me..

PRIMADONA..... ?

OHOHOHO......... * Cough*...HOhO

i just realize today..........................
it's been exactly one year since i first know Ft Island.. haha...

and i just realize too..
it's my 20th time listening to this song today.....



anigoya.. anigoya!!!!
Oh my... getting crazy again am I?
*switch to primadona mode*....

Actually still haven't finish watching u r beautiful..
suddenly got sick of watching drama with cliche plot are like that.. ( ohhh there goes with a hell lot of ofter korean drama too)
- i hold on until episode 8 becouse of him only
he was soooooooooooooooooooo adorable and cute and goofy in that right????
kinda remind me of why i like Py in the first place..hehe ( a fetish?...hurmmmmmmm)
i hope he keep his An.JELL's hair... hehehe ( cant beleive i actually focus on him more than i focus at Geun Suk( the real reason watching the drama actually)

( ok...ok... I'm guilty as charged.. dont shoot!!!!haha)

I really really LOVE this part !!!!!!!!! and the whole JOlie thing was.... LOL

urmh..... why is Jae Jin seem waaaaaaay too cute to resist either?????




Oh crap.................
just what the hell am i doing here when i am supposed to get on with my study case...
HAISH...........................
I am one very distracted student.... huhu

a walk to remember..

aku tau dalam LJ aku slalu je ngutuk course aku..
tapi, bukannya is bermaksud aku benci sgt pun berada di tempat ni...
tapi yang busuk ttp busuk.. aku x kan kata ia wangi..
tapi yang busuk dan buruk tu ada jugak yang baiknya.. jadi aku bertahan sbb yang baiknya la..
dan yang baik tu adalah mengenali kwn2 sekuliah aku yang gila2bahasa belaka, jumpa lecturer yang byk bagi semangat ( walau lagi ramai pun yang sbaliknya).. Dan menjadi sorang Nurse( in the making la)
thanks for making these 4 years a wonderful one.. ( walaupun ada sekeping dua manusia tu dah mencalarkan hati aku- jd cirrhosis da- dalam tempoh tu)

aku bt menda ni utk nursing seminar kitaorang dulu.. konon mcm intro sal cos ni..
tapi makin lama tgok.. ni la satu kisah pasal perjalanan kami sepanjang 4 thn ni..( wlaupun mungkin hanya kami yang tau apa tersirat di sbalik suma gmbar ni)
selepas tak cukup tido dalam 4 hari utk cari gmbar ngan sambung2 video.. ni la hasilnya..

just something for us to remember by.. This is our story..
the second chapter of our lives...

credits to :

da multimedia teamate- Nina
and everyone whom pic are used in the making of this short video
and also
Bond n Jin for the background songs V ( ^.^)V

of Love and TEARS

its been quite a while since i've post anything..
well.. life is really bust these day- but i really love it .
maa.....it seem like i really have found what i love doing, hope this feeling will never fades away just because of some other health care personnel who like to find others fault to cover their own weakness* ahem*like the someone here* hides* WHO said That?

today, one of the patient pass away of Cancer.. lymphoma.
poor guy, he is hardly 40 yrs old. the whole health care team have been strugling hard to safe him yesterday.. but today, it was his time it seem.
i felt really sad for him..
had he been diagnosed earlier, this could have been avoided..
or if they have know that he couldn't be saved.. i think its better if he was allowed to spend his last time at home.. instead of dying surrounded by strangers like us.

the last 4 days- when he was admitted to the ward, he seem fine ( not as sick as he was yesterday) .. still can talk, smile .. still very lively..
he could have a more peaceful departure surrounded by his loves one.. listening to their voice, have them to hold his hand and whisper the" shahadah". but lives don't always goes as planned..

nobody would have thought that it would happens so fast.

last week also, a patient whom i cared passed away. i'm still sad about it, not because of the fact that he died, but the way he died.
he was send to the ward, bedridden, presented with pressure ulcer ( 2nd stage) on various part of his body that even looking at him make you feel his pain.
since the day he was send to the ward, i nver see any of his relatives comes to visit at all( but i dont know if they did at the time i wasn't there)
i noticed that sometimes there were tears falling from his eyes.. i think he wish his family was there..but now, i think it was because of other cause.

a week before he passed away, his condition improves, and with that i believe he will survived ( but somehow deep down, i found myself wishing that he would just go- o that he will no longer suffer the pain)

i dont know how he died precisely because i wasn't on duty that day.. Maybe it was better that i wasn't there, i might cry..
but the most shocking thing is that.. he is a muslim after all. .and we only know it after he pass away- his relative only reveal that later after everything was too late..
Why on earth did they do that???!!!!!!
They have all the time a month before to tell us that, but they didn't!
i hope his soul will rest in peace and may he be placed in the heaven.


" inna lillah hi wa inna ila hi ro ji un"

uh huh

not feeling well...

i think i've got a fever today.. huhuhu..

so how?

he made my day.. everyday!!

actually this CF was released since last month.. but i was too busy to care...
too much things to settle by then..




he is soOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo damn adorkable!!!!!!!
Wonder if is it even possible for me to fall in love with him more than i already did?

suddenly feel like wanting to have a pet dog..

I think i'm delirious ~~~

_______________________________________________________


yeay for Aizat for winning AJL last night..!!!
I kinda expect that song going to win.. his Voice are just soothing
and..and.. he kinda remind me of Bae.. hahaha ( typical me)
only that Aizat doesn't move like YoungBae did * cough* and a 6 pack* cough*

and my top 3 Fav artist winning1st, 2nd and 3rd place ..!!!!
Cograts YUna and Faizal Tahir!!!!!!
regardless of what other thinks.. i think they deserved to win..!!

wishing on a star

i think my prayer have been answered.
everything went fine today.. in fact.. excellent!!!
thank God everything went fine..well.. at work at least..

today i worked in acute cubicle again..
as it is holiday today ( but of course nurses and doctors never experience a saturday and sunday break) .. the ward seem quite peaceful compared to yesterday.. ( ok..ok,i lied.. it was exactly the same like yesterday)
i think i got in the right mood today.. i didn't bother bother about what other have been able to do today that i still haven't got the chance to do yet( did i confuse u..haha)
It was tiring if u keep comparing your achievement with other.. but sometimes, u just cant help it right. ?
it was always the competition to be the best that motivate me to work harder each day.,but a some point, you forget what you always want, " to do your thing".
you seek recognition for being the one able to do many procedure.. one other can depend on - NEEDED..
but you forget to do " your thing"- nursing with compassion, touch with care, listen with empathy, and make them feel happy that there is someone who are caring for them like a family..
CAught in the middle of a competition.Everything now seem just as a JOB..you came to the ward, check on the patient, give medicine, keep his hygiene, clean their wound, but you never know who you are caring, what was they feeling being at the ward alone- when everyone surrounds them have their family visiting, you only knew their physical medical diagnosis.. never their emotional diagnosis.

before this, i never really cared about being at the top of the class, never really cared if someone think that i'm stupid for spending longer time trying to do a work that other can just do a slipshot, never cared if someone think i'm pretending to be hardworking when i spend time working on a patient study case..
I dont know where and when, i change into a robot..
i did help a lot in the ward.. but i never feel happyand contended like i used to everytime i help the patients. I dont know them. they are just "works that i have to finish" instead of" a person/family member i want to care"

Did i decided to be a nurse so that i can be the one needed in case of medical emergency.. Yes.. but did i want to be a highly capable nurse who only knew to do her work and neglect other thing about the patient which has nothing to do with their medical diagnosis? NO.
I always dream of being a nurse who can be trusted to work with, confident, capable and the one that was close to the patient heart, the one who take care of a patient emotional and physical need. All this while, i was so buzy catching up with other, i forgot who i really want to be..
i forgot ME!!
i forgot my own true desire..
i forgot to build myself to be the one that i always wanted to be.

I REALLY HOPE TO BE ONE EXCELLENT NURSE..

i really do!!