Why bother?

Last few weeks ago, one patient went for a Ct scan of the thorax and abdomen in our hospital. A very elegant woman in her fifties.

I called her in, with a thin smile, she just walk towards me.

we went quite for a few minutes after I explained to her about the CT scan and prepare her for the test.

this was her 1st time doing the scan, so i understands if she felt anxious about it..

I looked at the diagnosis made by the specialist;- CA BREAST..

now i understand what that sad face is actually saying. My heart felt for her. 

we talked for quite some time. She has just receive the news about her disease that morning-the lab result from her breast biopsy show that the cell was cancerous.. She was still in a shock., and most likely still unable to accept the news..

I wish there is more that i can do for her except just listening to her feeling and holds her hands in that time. Im half wishing that she could just cry if she want to, because it will ease her sadness, but she didn't. ( And i'm half cursing myself for being the one near to tears). She was calm during the whole conversation, telling me about her life, living as a single mother raising 3 children all by herself after her husband died. 

I asked her about her feeling upon hearing the news. 

"i'm scared" .. then she stops and look downs..

"i'm not scared of dying.. i'm scared to think how will my sons live without me.. can they cope? i dont want to be a burden to them.. "

a drop of water fell down her cheek.  

This is women who just receive the news that she have cancer, she should be thinking about herself but all she could think was her children..( which all are already working and over 22 yrs old already)And I was thinking, "Our  parents sure are the greatest person in the world, if only we know and appreciate them before they are gone"  

we hugged  before she left..with the same thin smile, she walks aways 

I ran into the changing room.. Looked at the pic of my parent in the cellphone.Cry.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

on another occasion, a bunch of girls went out for dinner.. 

In the car when everyone else was chatting about around,  someone's cellphone rings. 

it was her father on the line..

the others went quite for a while..

As the girl on the phone speaks to her parents, someone else from the back sit suddenly snap, " Why must she always talks to her parents everyday? I think even when she wants to get married she will talks to her parents about it" 

The other went quite still..

The girl with the phone clench her hand so hard.. forcing herself to calm down from slapping that backseater so hard in the face.. 

" It was my business.. ( suka ati aku la)" was all she could says.

then someone else's cellphone ring.. It was the girl in the back seat's cell.. 

Her boyfriend is on the line.. . And she have been calling him even before they started the journey to the restaurant  and 30 minutes after that and 20 minutes after the 2nd call.. 

I couldnt help but to smirk and kick her hard in the stomach in my imagination.. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So.. it is WRONG to talk to your parents everyday, but it is totally OK to talk to your boyfriend every minutes.. 

Oh, I get It.. Parents are supposed to be remembered only when you have problems with your boyfriend and friends.. 

You dont need to asked how are they doing except the moment your neighbor call saying that your mum/dad was warded.. and then you snap back at your parents, " why havent you told me you are sick"  when you called them last month. 

You dont need your parents, so why bother talking to them about their life, why bother care about them when they are always there for 24 years of your life no matter how bad you talk to them.. you will always be their daughter. But you need to keep in touch with your boyfriend every minutes because you need them to like you,  because otherwise he would think you are not interested in him and search for other girl or maybe he will be fuming mad because you didn't call back when you are really busy. 

Yeah.. why bother thinking and keeping in touch with a couple of old people whom have been raising you, give you shelter, Love, education, listen to you when you are sad, tend to your sickness,  give you whatever that you want when in fact that they don't have much for themselves.Always think of your best interest even during the time they are sick.

BUT

it is VITAL to think and call that Guy whom you just met the 3 weeks ago, who you doesn't even know if they really like you for you or they have other intention, always pushing you to tell him every thing that you did that day when you were really tired from working, who doesn't have the intention to have something serious with you in the near time..   

YEAH.. WHY BOTHER ABOUT PARENTS? Your Boyfriend is obviously very important. 

  

HELL NO!!!

remember when i said that i have a VERY VERY BAD Luck with people..
it's happening again.. and with the same person.. cet
vavik tul la jadi camni lagi esp time aku dah putus harapan nak keja kat sini..

I think i have made it clear that i dont wanna have anything to do wit that girl..
still why ask me to move out with her.. And Why HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!( dalam ramai2 orang)
dont wanna work where she work..
dont wanna go out when she tag along ( because mulut dia mmg x da insurance and yes.. I dont like narcissistic-nosy attention seeker)
Don wanna but in when she's busy seeking attention- HEll, I dont care about your boyfriend or your life, I dont EVEn wanna fucking care about YOU!!
I dont wanna act like i enjoyed her STUPID INSULTING remarks about me( which she obviously think is funny/ amusing)
I dont wanna act normal when I really feel like hitting her hard in the face the next time she open her stinky mouth and insult me.
and doesnt that make it REALLY CLEAR that..
LIVING WITH her in the SAME HOUSE again Is impossible for me!!!!

seriously think I'm SICK of all this game of life..
I'm SICK OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


It's high time for me to get out of PJ..
there are thing I can tolerate..macam keja ngan Si tukang Kipas boss yang semakin malas bt keja, tahan kena marah ngan boss yg racist, tahan kena tengking ngan patient ultrasound yang tak reti bahasa..diperli/dimarah oleh Radiologist yang pro-si tukang kipas, di-ignore oleh rumate aku dari 2-3 minggu lepas.. Aku boleh tahan ngan suma tu..

TAPI

but

living with the bitch-from-hell is not something i can take right now( or the next 2 month)-unless you really want to see me going seriously depress..

AND HELL NO!!!! I dont wanna relive my 1st year depression again..
i'm walking out of all this mess...
she's going to torture my feeling NO MORE..

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nothing much to say...
Just Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!




cant help smiling like an idiot watching this movie.. funny and in most part, can totally relate to this movie..

and oh..




MARIO MAURER why do you have to be so Cute!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

btw, I wonder what whitening product did Nam( the female lead) use that she became instantly fairer in just a year.. haha..maybe i could get hold of those product too.. ( well, not that i actually have someone in mind to impress.. but who knows, .. Heh) =P

Ok.. cakap banyak pun tak guna.. Tengok je la.. totally worth watching.. Love it to bits!!

mode: In love with Pshone~

A LOVE LETTER TO MR D..

i remember the 1st time i set my eyes on YOU..
so solid and sophisticated..I'm mesmerized
 i cant help thinking about you.. I THINK IT's LOVE
even when i no longer see you nearby,  the  memory of you still linger in my mind..

yesterday, i saw you again..
my heart was beating so fast... I THINK this stupid love come again
this heartache is driving me crazy!!

my heart was saying..
" can i reach for you"
" can I hold you "
" can I ever have you"
dear Mr D, I really want you..


seeing you in the hand of other...
my heart hurt..
I think It's jealousy..
the way you just fit with that other girl,  the way both of you look when you are together..
i want you..
but having you come with a price to pay...and that was something i cant affort right now
Ohoho..

Mr D.. I wonder when will we be  together
getting to know each other ..
to get my hand on your magnificent body...
going everywhere together.. no matter what other may say,
i know as long as we are together,  I'll be the happiest girl there is..
MR D, I know we were always meant for each other..

I REALLY  REALLY WANT YOU  MR DSLR Camera....
hahahaaha

the not-so-sincere-writer,

VIPCOLOGIST..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today's is an important date to me..
to the most optimistic person whom always inspire me with his writing..
and always brought me smiles even during my hardest time..
who make goofy boys look adorable and make me starts to go nuts over cute-clumsy-guy-who-doesnt-even-know-he -look-cute-being-goofy..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YAMAPI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
may you still be the most handsome and cool 'goofy' ever!!!!!



and for that catchphrase that  I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE THE MOST!!!!! sankyu...

I'M POSSIBLE!!!!!!




ohoho..... I like one part in  this CM.. Very much.. *wicked laugh*
just went back from the beach last 2 weeks.. and only 3 things come to mind at that time:
- beach reminds me of Pi very much.. ( which make me love the sea even more, ReGARDLESS of the sunburn i hVE TO suffer the following days (T.T)
2- L'arc en ciel's- shizuka no umi de.. ( well.. it's not that quiet in pangkor anyway.. but the song is sweet..ANYWAY..) next
3- It would be totally GREAT if i have a DSLR with me.. lots of ideas, but i cannot do it with my current digicam.. cet!
which bring me to... the conclusion:


urmh.....I'm  SOOOOO getting myself the Nikon DSLR!!!!!!

la dolce vita..

konbanchiwa minna..

wonder how are everybody doing.. i've been busy being boring, i think i dont have anything to update. * laugh*

when i check the total number of post i've made ( publish or just kept as draft) this is my 101th post.. wah.. that many aa.

i didn't expect myself to write that many nagging thought.. and to think that i first start blogging here because i need an outlet to release my life frustration..having 101 post here, My LIFE must seem like a tragic tale to you.. * deciding to cry or to laugh*

Hope I didn't get you wrongly think that my whole life is like a mess ( well, sometime it is)

LA DOLCE VITA means the sweet life in Italy. it's not that I can read nor understand italian nor am I a fan of the movie.. dolce vita is what i want to achieve by venting out here. SO that i will feel at ease after throwing em out.

i am a person with difficulties to show how I really feel in real life.. i just don't know how to react properly in most cases involving contact with others.

in front of the guy i like, instead of smiling endlessly and shows affection/or whatever it is that the normal girl would do.. my normal reaction would be like this:

Boy :( make a funny statement)

me : *laugh a bit*-if it really funny or just go *.........*

then change the topic without even trying do a fake laugh.

or

Boy : You are very creative la for doing.......... ( this or that) like this . never knew u are so talented

Me: *without much expression* .. urmh.. thanks..

then walk away like its nothing to be really happy about ( while the truth is i feel like flying with glee when he talks)

or the time when someone make me piss off..

All the time.. I can only smile a bit..or make a face and act as if i dont care eventhough i'm boiling inside.

I JUST COULDNT SHOW MY REAL EMOTION IN FRONT OF OTHERS

so that's why this blog was started..

i am always better at expressing them by writing or drawing than to just let run amuk in front of other. It has always works to calm me down.. except that i never have the chance to tell Dr Poet that I fancy him even before we started the drama preparation .That he was such a wonderful actor and that he was like the generator to the whole English class-without him the class was well..not lively. And I want to thank him because in some part or another, college life was bearable. OH Well.. that was old story.. But I can't help to wonder if our lines will cross again.

I think I have the worst luck with people.

When i loathe someone and wove not to EVER meet him/her again.. the next thing I know, i'm stuck with that person. It's true, there's this ex-roomate from Uni whom like to boast about herself or her man,take my thing without even asking, a fulltime attention seeker with loud voice and endlessly talks..talks and talks *shake head*. I thought after we were allowed to find our own place to life during 2nd year in , I would never have to face her again except during class, and it turns out she's living 2 floor above us.. then when have to stay in hostel again, she's next door and after graduated from uni.. she live just a block away from my house. AND i have to face her when me and my close friend went outing together because she live with that friend .Is this a curse or what? knowing this, I tried to shake the feeling i have for her all this while, but heck, if she's acting JUST THE WAY SHE WAS IN COLLEGE.. i doubt that any change is even possible. Maybe i'm blinded by hate..heh

In RL, i really don't speak much, unless it is necessary..

you wouldn't hear me going all girly-girly or gossiping like i did here..( unless you are Aliaa) I hate conversation just for the sake of not being quiet .. how to say this.. urmh.. the kind u did just to break the silence but you don actually want to listen to what the other reply to you..you just hate the quietness. But I like It, silence is golden, It prevent me saying the wrong thing to others and save others from my cynical remarks ( I'm damn good at that actually, just dont let me get it loose.. I can be REAL MEAN.. and i mean IT)

i dont know where this statement lead to.* laugh*

just.. sorry that all of you have to bear with my continuous rambling about life, this is my only way out since i left all my painting kit at home.. Or, i'll turn really crazy

i promise, i will try to update more on the merry side ( which i always so lazy to write about ) to balance with the ugly side( which i always have the energy to write about)

for bearing with me..

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

oh.. and by the way, i got inspiration on title of the blog from jiyoung's tatoo...*wink and laugh* you would have thought of that already.

Jumping Jumping!!

Ok.. after the last entry, i thought that i'll be another 2 to 3 month before i have the mood to wrote anything here..

heck.. I cant keep fangirling to myself..

YG.. you should know i LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEE you so very much..

A BB concert in Malaysia.. KL even.. what more could i ask for!!

really YG.. I LOVE you.. LOL

Really cant wait for june!!!( please2 don't change the place or time.

GOSH... this song is so damn intoxicating..Already fall in love the moment i heard i.. TONIGHT..
and i swear.. Tabi is so darn cool with the new hair.!!and at the end when he says goodnight..
Oh! i think my heart just went out.. ~ melting

WHAT is RIGHT.. kinda like a children song for some reason.. you keep on humming to the song.. ( although all I could sing out correctly is only the'what is right and what is wrong') haha.

ok.. admit it.. Gd look lovely in here..

he look more beautiful than a real girl.. I'm so jealous!!

somebody to love..
jeez.. *eyes fixed at YB*
Jeez!!!!!* blush*

did someone turn off the fan ..it Hot in here



oo

at first.. i think this song was Unn..a no-no for me.. but it starting to grow on me.. (^.^)V

their new album was somewhat diff from the last one.. But all in the good way.
Like. Like.Like and LIKE again..(if only there's a like button here)
just the cover was DUH! wonder why must they make most of their cover like that.. Hurm..

CANT WAIT for JUNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* better start practicing the dance steps!!*

working live is totally overrated!!

Remember when you are still a student in some university, all you want at that time is to finish your studies and get into the community as fast as you could..

remember at that time you imagining yourself being a totally different you, more mature, poise, confident and more knowledgeable perhaps..

Yes!! I'm going to be a working women once I graduated from here.. Life would be so much different then" you told yourself..

after working for 6 month..

you liked your job.. and still striving to follow the vibe..

but..

but..

it seem that the way to go or survive at the place is only by flattering your boss, play by her rule.

you have no say on whatever issue that she come up with..

+ workplace politics began to take place more than the working issue..

+ Have to bear with the boss's pet, take over her job( which she messed and never admitting her mistake)..

+ take responsibility of other colleagues mistakes- just because you are higher qualified( while the fact is that you are just starting in the area, so how could I Know everything)

+ try not to be dis-hearted by comment made by others( the colleagues) who don't seem to be able to appreciate what you done ( IGNORANT people are such a pain in the ass!!)

+ You wake up everyday, feeling that job is just a routine from monday to Saturday.. do the same thing everyday.. tired by the end of the day

and then at the end of the day, lay half asleep.. asking yourself.. " what have i actually achieve today?' and just sleep without receiving the answer..

Yeah.. Life is different now.. - for all the wrong reason.

I DONT WANNA LOOSE MY PASSION TOWARDS NURSING.. !!

but given these circumstances.. I'm seeing myself running far away from what i hope to achieve.

I wanna love it here again !!

have I let go of my opportunity to work near home for something that i ends up hating.. ( not quite there yet.. but I fear that it will be one day)

have i lose all that i strive hard for for a job that the only motivation for me to keep on doing it is purely financial based..

i wanna keep on loving you dear colleagues, i wanna keep on enjoying helping you dear doctors, and most importantly,

I wanna be the one who will ease your fear before and during procedure,

A friend when you 1st heard a bad news after a CT/MRI checkup,

A person you can trust all your worries,

i wanna be the best for you .. dear PATIENTs..

Dear me..

PLEASE ALWAYS HAVE THE PASSION AND HEART TO DO GOOD.. no matter how hard the blow come from the surrounding.

You see, in the final analysis,
it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
( mother theresa)

One in a mirrion!!

OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!

his holding a concert in bangkok this April..

LIKE OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

should i go..?

like seriously, should I really go.. ? I want to go sooo DESPERATELY!!!

but hurm.. is it really safe to go to bangkok these days.. * thinking hard*

damn JE, always holding their show, concert in Bangkok ..

why not try changing the venue to Kl instead.. then i wouldnt be having this double thought about goin because there would be no way i', gonna miss seeing da dorky AKIRA, drop-dead-gorgeous-KUROSAGI, Super Cool-AIZAWA SENSEI..ect2

AKU NAK PI TGK PIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!..

At first when encik puan mas told me about his concert, didnt really have any intention to even consider going to this concert. but after some time, cant help but to think of going..

and over time, the thought grows more intense.. huhu

and usually i will follow what my heart tune my mind into

seeing him dancing... ~~~~~~~~~~ heaven~~~~~~~~~~~~~* dreamy mode*

But really, thinking of going to foreign place without any friend doesn't seem inviting at all..

SO.... WHO's COMING WITH ME? haha ( on your own expense i mean)

anyway... just found out the original singer of the song. No wonder the song have so many engrish to it.. LOL

but .. i think his version make more sense..

* put a msg in a bottle*

*track you down by a satelite*- i donno bout you.. but the lyrics doesnt seem to fit well..it's kinda weird even.

and his voice was wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy better suit for it.. Ok.. heavely Pi biased.. but WTH.

hurm.. wonder, how much is one Baht to RM ?

ne, i know you would be so depress if i'm not there to support you.. * cough*.. LOL

that's more like it.. * doing the nobuta power gesture*

and YEs.. I still have a great crush on you mr Akira san.. ohoho

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Feel great to be able to fangirl back.. !!!

feel free to be me for a while.. haha.

I miss you my crazy fangirl self.. !!! Good to have you back.. * pat self*

hoho..

sebuah entry baru akhirnya...!!

konbanchiwa..

ahem.....

* dgn suara ala2 penyimpan mohor raja2)saya dengan ini mengistiharkan, I'm BACK!!!!!!!

finally after some time living without MR LaPPy, I've gotten myself a replacement for 'him'

Ureshii naa!!!!

and since today is a public holiday..

I have more reason to be happy!!!!

WORK...

back in the days when everything is all about study, assignment, exam and skipping class whenever possible ( laugh), I keep wishing that time flew faster than it already does..but i don't think that i wanted to be in the working group that much. I just want to escape University sooo badly, i think most of the post here reflect my misery more than the merry part.

But for most part, I'm blessed to have meet each circumstances although there are still unsettled feeling left behind.

You maybe can forgive, but to forget take a lot of time and strength ne.

Some may say that i hold a grudge to the one who hurt me, but it's not about keeping a bad feeling towards someone, but forgetting each insulting remarks and words throw at you is another thing.

Those who doesn't experience let alone understand what other's been through, I don't think they have any right to say anything. fullstop.

sorry, didn't mean to touch this issue on todays comeback post, just wanna clear something over a statement made by someone. I'm not a vengeful person, but a crack in the heart caused by certain people words or action isn't something that can be mend easily, especially when that person keep doing it repeatedly. WAKARU?

ok.. totally forgotten what i originally want to post..

and my mind is too occupied with the latest discovery of an axillary lymph node swelling in my right. God please let it be a normal swelling, not the one i thought it was.

it's been a while since i felt like wanting to post anything here...

not that i don have anything to say anymore.. just too lazy to open up blogspot and scribble just anything that come across my mind.

then, my dearest laptop broke down.. ( selamat tinggal dear LAPPY) RIP.. huhu..still very much devastated with the lost...all my pictures and video project done throughout the 4 years were totally unable to be saved * SIGH*

anyway.. thinking about that now aleady kill my mood straight away..

I'm Missing MY lappy so very much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

just a quick update..

- I' M officially a working 'adult' now!!! ( which make no different in my way of thinking, but just change in the amount of things i'm starting to waste money on)

-Tomorrow, my graduation day- but then realize a new pimple forming somewhere on the face. CHEEEEESEEEEEEE sungguh.. time2 genting camni la dia nak bt cameo..

- and oh yeah... i'm still depress about my laptop and the missing memory , i dont feel like writing right now..( said it 3 time already.. emphasizing how miserable i am now.. huhu)

so, until i finally have the courage and gather up my thought, Ciao for now..